Thursday, April 24, 2014

here and now.

Tomorrow would have been my beloved Nan's 80th birthday. 

While I've genuinely missed her every day since she left us in bodily form on January 24th, today was particularly rough. 

Maybe it was the release of anxiety and tension that came with completing my final comprehensive exams to finish my master's degree this morning, or maybe just the fact that I wish she was still a person I could call to talk to about it, I can't distinguish. 

The fact is that this grief, this undoing sadness, is different from the normal sadness of losing her. 

Today is a reminder that she won't be there to talk to over the phone or in person to dismantle and dissect the bigger and smaller moments of my life from now on, as she has been for my forever. I knew when she died that she'd never attend my wedding, never see me be a mother, never witness my life in a stable form. And it was a bone deep sadness for something that just isn't real to me yet. 

But these smaller markers, they hit me hard. When I realize I'm happy and I no longer get to share them with her. When i feel a connection with someone new, when they do the things she would have known felt perfect to me, and I can't just say that to her and have her just intrinsically know. 

Of course I still talk to her often, our dialogue is open and rich, even though I now take on both parts. I feel fortunate to have known her well enough that I get to feel like our conversation is still two-sided. A death does not end a relationship. I remind myself. 

It's the one sided conversation that I fear. That I dread. The one where I have to somehow make peace with her being gone. I still don't have the words for that. 

Monday, April 7, 2014


Okay you guys. 

Spring break is over. I mean, I have no idea what happened. One minute it was starting, and the next it was just...over. So weird. I think stuff happened in the middle, but, time just kind of sped up and got away from me.

I basically didn't even leave Missoula, which is fine because I love it here and I feel like this is the kind of place people come for spring break, so whatever. My beloved jeep finally pooped out, so I'm weighing my repair options. Read: I haven't done my taxes yet, so I may or may not currently lack the fundage to bring her back to life. I'll keep you posted. A guy at work maybe has a tiny crush on me, so when he found out my vehicle was on the fritz, he miraculously remembered he has a friend who is a jeep whisperer. 20 minutes later said friend was prepared to be at my service! It pays to be friendly. And by friendly I mean snarky and pithy in general, because some people like to be messed with, and there's a rapport to giving people shit, I think. It works for me, anyway.

But what I mean is that I'm not fretting about the car. I rode my bicycle to school this morning and while it was a pretty sweaty and winded affair, mostly because my tires are really flat, I feel really good about it now. Plus I did sign up for a half marathon in July, so I should probably start moving my ass. Also, riding my bike to school means that Spring has sprung! (I really hope I didn't just jinx it.) 

Yesterday I planted starter seeds in my little indoor terrarium in preparation for our garden this summer. It's going to be amazing! Humans should grow more of what we eat! I also watched the documentary Hungry For Change yesterday while eating pizza I had delivered and it really freaked me out. I mean, I get it, I'm an adult. I know enough about nutrition to know that I shouldn't drink diet soda or eat anything with an expiration date that will outlive me. But shit, realizing the things we put in our bodies, the things I put in my body, is seriously nasty. Disgusting. And the sugar in everything! And the chemicals! I eat a lot better here in MT than I ever did living in the Midwest, but really, that's not saying much. So anyway, that's a new goal of mine, to eat more cleanly. I'm not saying I'm going to run out and buy a juicer, but I think I'm going to try to at least have an idea of where my food is coming from. As a person who is OFTEN guilty of eating my feelings, this should be interesting. 

On another note, I've got comps in like two and a half weeks and just a few projects and whatnot and then BOOM graduation. Also, BOOM, summer. Comps is really really scary to think about since it's a test and I'm a paper-writing person, but once it's over I'm essentially FREE, so I just need to look through it to the other side. 

And thennnn boom, real life. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. 

Have a mentioned that my family is coming for my graduation? Because they are, and I'm fucking psyched about it. My parents are bringing my youngest brother and my grandfather with them and I'm going to show them the gloriousness of my life in Montana. Both of my parents have been out to visit before, as has my brother, but my parents were here before I really knew where the hell I was and what I was doing with my life. Now that I actually have my bearings and a life and FRIENDS and a feeling of belonging, I think it will be fun to show them around. Maybe they will come closer to understanding why I have to be here instead of back east. Nah, they'll never understand that. 

Okay. So that's where I am with my life right now. Brigit and I bought a fire pit the other day and had a bonfire in our yard. We'd been mulling it over and talking about it for weeks, so it was a very exciting event to actually have it come to fruition. Although it definitely made me miss the bird-bath fire pit from my days living downtown Indianapolis with Katherine. Cheers to a Spring full of bonfires, bike-rides, and big gardens!