an exersize in happiness

This morning on his way to work Matt got into a car crash at 60 mph while we were on the phone and it was fucking terrifying and I'm still shaken up about it and I wasn't even in the car.

I tried to write about it earlier, but I can't yet so maybe tomorrow.

He's going to be fine.

So I'm going to write about something else.

On the whole, I'm not particularly good at measuring my own happiness. I've gotten better at looking around and nodding acknowledgment to those moments when I'm drunk with joy in the last year or so, with making sure I'm present and aware at the happiness I'm feeling, but in general I feel pretty ho-hum about life.

It hasn't always been this way and I don't know how I got here.

Sometimes I wonder what is really important to me.

It seems like there are so many unknowns right now as I claw and climb my way to steadier footing. So I decided to jot down in about two minutes some things that are important to me, it seems like whatever comes out quick may be things I need to acknowledge and reach for foremost. 

So here we go, here is what I know:

Let's take an ultimate goal, we'll call it happiness. What are the things that will be able to get me there?

 

I know that I love the outdoors.

I know that I need time alone.

I know that I need to cut loose every once in the while.

I know I hate to cook.

I know that I don't want a ton of money, but more a comfortable life among a beautiful landscape.

I know I don't want to be surrounded with commercialism or material, plastic people.

I know I want to be in love.

I need adventures and cannot stand tedium and routine.

I am a good listener

I love to read

I love to do hands-on activities

I love music

I know I need to be closer to Nan. She's having a rough time.

I like to be autonomous

I know I don't like rules

I know I want to live on the water

I know I need to live an active and healthy lifestyle that doesn't include watching TV all day or even every day and I can't make that an option- sitting around only depressed and un-motivates me

I know I get sucked into laziness when I'm unhappy

I know I need intelligent intellectual conversations

I know I love to learn

I know I stand up for myself and for that's true and right in my own mind, even when odds are against me

I know I hate injustice

I know I like to write

I know it takes a lot for me to get close to people

I know I need exploration and adventure

I know I get overwhelmed in crowds unless I'm in the right mindset

I know I can be incredibly charming, social, and charismatic when I'm in the right mental state

I know I'll always want to go to the party

I know I have a tendency to just do things. Sometimes without thinking them logically through.

 

 

So there's what the top layer of my mind knows.

 

 

I could really stand to organize things up there.

 

Sara

 

 

 

adventures in volunteering

I was volunteering recently with eight year old girls for Girl's Inc. Just an hour, once a week for six weeks. They run cycles four times a year.  This was week five, our second to last class together. The girls were sitting in small clusters around round tables drawing pictures of themselves doing something amazing and eating their lunches. I walked around, asking the girls what they were drawing and encouraging them to finish eating, they are always very animated and want to tell me a million stories. I've never felt so popular.

 

The girls are from a variety of different home lives and backgrounds. Some are very poor. Even in third grade they are starting to realize who are the 'haves' and who are the 'have nots.' They don't do it meanly, it's almost like some invisible force is pulling them into groups. It's heartbreaking sometimes, but this group is always polite and kind and encouraging to one another. They were willing to share and eager to answer questions and so candid with their responses that many times I had to smile to hold back a laugh. No one feels afraid to speak up for fear they will be ridiculed, which I admire so much in them and wonder how long they have like this.

 

As I was circulating around and finding out how every one's week was going, one girl motioned me over excitedly. She always has a broad smile, unbrushed hair, and clothes that don't quite match. She's confident and social to everyone and undoubtedly, a 'have not.'

 

"My mom had her baby!" She exclaimed with happy excitement. 

 

"OH MY, that's wonderful" I gushed back,  "A little brother or a little sister!"

 

"A little sister,' she said suddenly sounding a little shy.

 

"Well what did she name her?" I encouraged.

 

And then she hesitated and looked back down at the picture she was drawing of herself kicking a game-winning goal during a soccer game. She'd mentioned to me in an earlier class that she was very athletic.

 

"We didn't get to name her, because, the family that, that, that adopted her will name her." She said carefully. She looked heartbroken, but not in tears.

 

I was so taken aback with her willingness to share and her bravery and honesty at the situation that I didn't know what to say. Another girl at the table, having overheard as kids are wont to do, piped up quickly with a "Why? Why don't you get to keep your sister?" Not meanly, but just with genuine interest at what surely seemed like a strange situation to her.

 

"Well," hesitated the first girl, "That couple couldn't have a baby...so....." That's when she trailed off and sat staring at her toes.

 

"How wonderful of Morgan's mother to do such a kind thing for that family." Was all I could think to say. Because what can you say? She's eight. She doesn't get to have a baby sister and it just isn't fair.

 

Eight year olds know much more than most people give them credit for and she knew more than she'd been told in words. She knew that her Mom couldn't keep that new little sister and seeing it was heartbreaking.

 

Maybe she'll be fine and she'll cope and grow and go on to win hundreds of soccer games. But sometimes I catch myself wondering what would have been the right thing to say. How could I have helped her carry the load? What if she doesn't have anyone else to talk to?

 

Working with those girls has been a wonderful and eye-opening experience. And it's given me new ideas to consider as I try to figure out my career path. If you have even an hour a week I'd highly recommend volunteering your time to give a girl someone to talk to.

 

Sara

 

 

 

since the last post i'm : still reading constantly.

I JUST found out it's National Banned Books Week.

.... which doesn't really make any sense, but whatever.

The point of the matter is that I found out on THURSDAY that this celebration existed.

Had I known sooner, I may have taken the week off for an all-out reading frenzy. Next year, I will be prepared.

But then again, that's kind of my life lately anyway. Six books in seven days?

Yeah.

There's worse things to be addicted to. Like heroin. I'd say in the grand scheme of coping mechanisms, I"m doing pretty okay.

If I'm needed you can finding me hunkered down with my nose in a book, ignoring all the current worries threatening to take me to total melt-down land.


XO Sara