Sunday, October 14, 2012

forsaking punctuation. forgive me.

everything felt so contingent on one moment falling into the next. everything felt like a cosmic hug, like  we're in the dramatic music that comes before the grand gesture. when he's running through crowded streets to get to the airport to get her back, make eye contact with her. before he kisses her and she stays. she stays! she doesn't get on the plane. thats what it felt like. like something life changing is in the air and it's coming and it could be anything. i felt like maybe i could pick it. i could pluck out what it would be and choose and it would be that simple. but thats not how it works. you don't get to pick, not really. recognizing the feeling, really being in it, that's as much as you can hope for. sometimes that's all you get. i'm happy i noticed at all.

i think someone actually did a handspring. i'm sure of it now, it was christian. and we laughed and i asked him not to do that again but that i was so glad he did it. but next time he could really hurt himself. people don't do back handsprings enough, though. they're these amazingly expressive gestures. they seem so optimistic, hopeful in yourself and in the ground and the air. and we were this cohesive unit of friends and it was night and the bars were closed and we were going to a party.

i kept saying 'we're going to a party' over and over like a mantra, waiting for it to lose meaning and just become part of the mass. but it didn't. we're going to a party. any party. it doesn't matter. somewhere on this street. does this look like a party? it doesn't. this isn't it, but here we are and they're playing music on the steps.

sometimes you meet a person who starts playing guitar or has some skill they perform in a way that makes you feel like you've never really found it. you've never really been that good at being alive because you don't have something like that. it's more than a way to express something for some people, it's an extension of who they are. when it's not there, it's a phantom limb. that's what it felt like. it was like watching a person take a shower without them knowing it. private.

but i watched and i watched and he started playing prince's 'kiss' and then his funny friend started singing, really singing it. and i started wondering what that was like. not just that kind of friendship, but being that kind of person. who smiles when they sing and just so naturally bounce around and just interact with the rest of us. it must be hard not to float away. it must feel like watching people drag bags of heavy things around with them to interact with the rest of us. we probably feel so cumbersome and slow.

it's no wonder.

and you know, that feeling i was talking about? the one in the air. the feeling of being on the swollen side of events before the momentous occasion? when i was walking around on a warm night in october with new friends, going to a party? we laughed our way there and i was waiting for it to hit because i knew that it would. i felt so in control of all of our fate. at the same time i realized how little impact my wants and actions have on anyone else in the world. i thought about chain reactions. starting one. sustaining one. i considered falling in love with everyone. i wondered if i'd ever fall in love with myself. we passed the library three times and went back to the party with more beers and this woman played the cello so beautifully that i noticed my mouth was hanging open. i left it there because it felt good to know even i don't control every function of my own body every single second of the day.

and it was a night. on the cusp of something i wanted to badly to push over to the other side. to take a peak. see and maybe change my mind. but that's what is funny about fate or the universe, in order to really see, you have to go. and i wanted to go, i was ready. i could feel the air particles brushing against my skin, gesturing wildly and romantically. i had no idea where, but it felt so natural to want to go. anywhere. but i didn't. i didn't. i just knew i could.

i think maybe some nights you have more power over things than others. maybe we all have our moments. that night, that was my night. they don't come often. certainly not often enough. but i really think i had the power to tip the scale. and maybe in some little ways i did. but really, noticing it was nice enough. i thought i wanted a giant something. but i just wanted to know what i held in my own hands. what i hold. and last night, i did.

i think that was the momentous occasion.

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