Wednesday, May 29, 2013


I hate everything right now. 

I want to throw myself into walls right now. 

I want to lie under the covers and kick and scream and never get out of bed again right now. Everything is pissing me off and it's only getting worse with one second passing into the next second passing into the second closer to the time I'm due back in this fucking summer school class that is five and a half hours long every day of the week. 

What ever happened to summer? What ever happened to people being who you thought they were and things not having 38479485 more uses than their original, intended use. Thanks a heap for that, pinterest. 

What ever happened to things working out the way you planned or at least being within the same realm of possibility? 

Why aren't there more cowboys in Montana? Isn't that what people think? I don't know. Maybe in the eastern part of the state. I'm in the western part. It's all mountains and a weird militantly outdoorsy/hipster/bluegrass fusion. I'm sure there's more in the mix but I'm not feeling particularly able to suss it out and describe it cleverly.

What ever happened to the days without cell phones? We're all so goddamn connected it's sick to me it's like we've all got umbilical cords still attached to the womb of holy ATT or Verizon or whatever was cheaper at the time of contractual agreement. I've been without a cell phone for a week and it's amazing how socially crippled one can become when they don't have something everyone else has and they have no other real winning qualities. I shouldn't be such a baby. I've got email, right? This isn't by choice, I should add. My provider gets fed up when I don't pay my bill on time. It's a better trade off this way, I can be a real bitch when I can't afford to feed myself. As much as I'd love to say I'm going off the grid or something pretentiously different like that, I'm just irresponsible with money. Surprise, surprise. 

 My friend Brie came to my house and yelled outside my window recently to see if I was home and it was the most adorable thing that's ever happened to me. She asked me to go somewhere, and though I really didn't want to, I went anyway because I was so overwhelmed by gratitude that she was willing to bridge the gap between us in whatever way it took. She's a good person. And resourceful. 

I've taken to just showing up places and hoping for the best. It's usually not so bad. 

I've taken to never blow-drying my hair and scowling at people. I really like it. I've taken to eating poorly and never apologizing to anyone but myself. Sorry self. 

I've always made bad choices, but I gotta say, I really think I'm getting good at it. 

I'm in this phase where I feel I have very little to say to people. Especially strangers. It's to the point where when I meet someone I can't hold my end of the conversational rope and usually I'll just walk away to save us both the trouble. I feel bad, like I should say "I wasn't always this way." But I don't want anyone to get their hopes up. Plus, what do you say to that?

God, you know how wrong a word looks when you spell it wrong? That's just wild to me. Just a minute ago I typed "conversatoinal" and my eye started twitching just looking at it. Glaring mistakes. I make a lot of those, not just when typing. At least that's how it feels afterward. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm dying. You know, if I have some silent but spreading illness that's just going to wipe me out as soon as I discover it. Does anyone else wonder that? Probably, I'm thinking. I just want to be taken by surprise if it's going to take me. I hate fighting losing battles. I just hate losing, I guess. 

I really hope this rant is a product of pms. 


  1. worried about you. You OK?

  2. yes! i'm sorry to be alarming, just word vomit spewing on a crappy day. hope all is well over there!