Tuesday, June 18, 2013

right now.

I'm thinking of a number between one and a million. I'm thinking of a day between now and the end of summer. Never. Never. Never. It's never happening, it can't possibly end. 

I'm almost certain this is the most languid period I've ever had in my life. Every day I dive into a new adventure and somehow I find a way to slip through the grasp of monotony. I'm even making money. I've got this job and my boss is so wonderful and flexible that it almost doesn't feel like a real job that an almost-27-year-old should have. I come and go and he assigns me 'projects' that I complete with ease and then I sit and laugh and joke with the other women in the office. I ride my bike to work. I ride my bike to friend's houses. I zip around town with relative ease, my hair blowing behind me in the wind. I cut myself a pair of jorts out of men's wranglers and I wear them everywhere and don't even worry how they make my legs look. It feels free to not constantly worry about cellulite and big thighs and I have no idea how it happened, but I'm so glad it did. My body gets me where I need to go, that's beautiful enough. 

I play tennis or I go on hikes or I sit and read books on my porch for entire afternoons. I went two weeks without drinking earlier this month. I woke up every morning feeling rested and happy. My friends and I did activities like making elephant ears and playing heated games of cards and sipped on ginger ale, laughing high and clear. Or I'll get loaded on moscow mules on a random bar porch and skip my way home as the sun sets. It doesn't matter, it seems anything that happens is the right thing. 

I whisper to my car and give the dashboard a good luck rub whenever I drive to a new adventure, but mostly I trust her to prevail. I trust trust trust right now. I bring home twenty books from the library and pluck one from the middle without looking. That is how I choose what comes next. In every situation. I pluck from the middle and commit to the idea until it has reached completion. It is working. It is so right in this phase. 

I am a plant sitter. I am a book lender. I am a woman on a tightrope, but it is summer, so I'm keeping myself light and believing in my own ability to balance, eyes closed. I'm listening to Paul Simon and bopping around my little apartment. I've got a laundry basket full of dirty clothes in my bathtub, but my tan has never been better and my smile never so bright. I'm doing what my whims say. I'm listening to myself. Who knew that felt so right? There's an ease in pressure right now. It's fantastic. 

I am canoeing in mountain lakes and steering the vessel from the back seat because even when I try to be light, there are still some things I need to control. I joined this group of folks who read an article from a scholarly journal each week and then meets to discuss it. Nerds prevail. We find and flock to each other everywhere, it seems. It's an almost perpetual blur of campfires and sunsets, this summer. For once I'm not already looking past it, I'm allowing myself to be swallowed by it. Holy moly, glory glory. 

My hair is bleaching out in the sun and my smile is content and real. There are sad things too, because that's life, but it is my favorite season in my favorite place and right now I have zero complaints. 


  1. this post makes my heart happy. PICKLES WILL PREVAIL

  2. My body gets me where I need to go, that's beautiful enough.

    I LOVE that.

    Hi from a fellow Montanan.