upswing.

Whew. Yesterday's post was a tad bit....dismal. 

Let's bring things up a bit, eh? Things are going to fall into place and I'm going to stop living so second-to-second and try to see bigger picture things. Big picture things are that it's my favorite season and I live in a place I love and I have great friends and my phone is back on. WOOOO. 

On another MUCH more positive note, I went backpacking last weekend! It was awesome! I had a great time! Look at all these exclamation points I'm using!!! Seriously though, it was awesome and the mountains, rivers, woods, and general wilderness setting was balm to the soul. 

Another trip is on the docket for this weekend, which is equally thrilling, because as much as I love Missoula, sometimes it's best to get back to basics.... aka let some of the faces I see daily in this town miss me just a little bit. 

Last weekend, we hiked into Blodgett Canyon, touted by many a guidebook/website as "The most picturesque canyon in all of the Bitteroot Mountains." I'd have to say they have my full agreement. However, I have not actually seen all of the canyons, so maybe don't take my word alone for it.

Let me take you on a brief tour of my memorial day weekend:

here's some of our shit being loaded into the car! look how prepared for the great outdoors we are! also, everyone in montana drives a subaru. not kidding, it's like an army of subarus on the road everywhere you look. luckily, we were in a subaru, so we fit in great. 

this is my adorable friend aubrey getting psyched to backpack all our shit into the woods. she bought that TMNT flatbill cap especially for the trip and i don't think i've ever loved her more. 

in case anyone was wondering, THIS IS BEAR COUNTRY. 

this is my friend alex leading us straight into a rain storm. it may look sunny, but it's about to not be. we ended up hiking multiple miles into the rain, only to turn around and double back to flat place with a bit of shelter. then it stopped raining and the sun came out again, which i took to be the good omen it most likely was. 

oh, here's where we made camp. not a bad view if i do say so myself.

this is alex wowing us with his ability to play an instrument called the "jaw harp." it sounds like the popping a boner sound effect in cheesy movies.  this inspired us to form a band called the "blodgett canyon boys" even though alex was the only boy. i played the forks and aubrey played her water bottle. we'll probably play coachella next year. look out.

this is aubrey and i celebrating our superior skills at living. or taking in the glorious bounty around us. or maybe just acting like this was a candid picture even though it was pretty staged. of course i packed in flip flops. 

aubrey packed in a 2 liter of squirt. this is because we created a new drink for this summer. it is made out of gin and squirt. fresca would probably be equally as delicious, but squirt is probably the most awesome name for a soda pop ever, so it's the summer of squirt. SOS! as the gin level went down, many hilarious squirt jokes were told. and that is why squirt beats fresca. also, this was alex's first EVER time drinking squirt, which is unbelievable to me, but we made him burn the bottle after he killed it. sorry, environment. 

after we finished off all the squirt 'n gin and a six pack of beer and some wine, we decided at 3 am that we needed to hang our food so we wouldn't get eaten by bears. now personally, i've never done this before so it was a learning experience. in all, the venture took us about 45 minutes to complete, which is apparently not ideal. i believe that our band's music probably frightened off all the creatures, but being in the woods of montana means not taking chances with bears. 

the next day we did some more hikin'. it wasn't raining so it was really enjoyable. also a shitload more people showed up so we felt extra tough for having made it though the inclement weather of the day before.  please note now that aubrey has zipped off the bottom of her pants. yes friends, she rocked the shants. it was awesome.

here's a waterfall we found. pretty little guy.

looks like the pant legs are back.

and here is a pretty good view of the canyon as we walked. anyway, loading pictures takes forever, so i think i'm done. but it was a good trip.  i loved it. i can't wait to camp all summer long. but next time i'm not going to pack in six potatoes because that shit is excessive and also kind of heavy. 

yikes.

I hate everything right now. 

I want to throw myself into walls right now. 

I want to lie under the covers and kick and scream and never get out of bed again right now. Everything is pissing me off and it's only getting worse with one second passing into the next second passing into the second closer to the time I'm due back in this fucking summer school class that is five and a half hours long every day of the week. 

What ever happened to summer? What ever happened to people being who you thought they were and things not having 38479485 more uses than their original, intended use. Thanks a heap for that, pinterest. 

What ever happened to things working out the way you planned or at least being within the same realm of possibility? 

Why aren't there more cowboys in Montana? Isn't that what people think? I don't know. Maybe in the eastern part of the state. I'm in the western part. It's all mountains and a weird militantly outdoorsy/hipster/bluegrass fusion. I'm sure there's more in the mix but I'm not feeling particularly able to suss it out and describe it cleverly.

What ever happened to the days without cell phones? We're all so goddamn connected it's sick to me it's like we've all got umbilical cords still attached to the womb of holy ATT or Verizon or whatever was cheaper at the time of contractual agreement. I've been without a cell phone for a week and it's amazing how socially crippled one can become when they don't have something everyone else has and they have no other real winning qualities. I shouldn't be such a baby. I've got email, right? This isn't by choice, I should add. My provider gets fed up when I don't pay my bill on time. It's a better trade off this way, I can be a real bitch when I can't afford to feed myself. As much as I'd love to say I'm going off the grid or something pretentiously different like that, I'm just irresponsible with money. Surprise, surprise. 

 My friend Brie came to my house and yelled outside my window recently to see if I was home and it was the most adorable thing that's ever happened to me. She asked me to go somewhere, and though I really didn't want to, I went anyway because I was so overwhelmed by gratitude that she was willing to bridge the gap between us in whatever way it took. She's a good person. And resourceful. 

I've taken to just showing up places and hoping for the best. It's usually not so bad. 

I've taken to never blow-drying my hair and scowling at people. I really like it. I've taken to eating poorly and never apologizing to anyone but myself. Sorry self. 

I've always made bad choices, but I gotta say, I really think I'm getting good at it. 

I'm in this phase where I feel I have very little to say to people. Especially strangers. It's to the point where when I meet someone I can't hold my end of the conversational rope and usually I'll just walk away to save us both the trouble. I feel bad, like I should say "I wasn't always this way." But I don't want anyone to get their hopes up. Plus, what do you say to that?

God, you know how wrong a word looks when you spell it wrong? That's just wild to me. Just a minute ago I typed "conversatoinal" and my eye started twitching just looking at it. Glaring mistakes. I make a lot of those, not just when typing. At least that's how it feels afterward. 

Sometimes I wonder if I'm dying. You know, if I have some silent but spreading illness that's just going to wipe me out as soon as I discover it. Does anyone else wonder that? Probably, I'm thinking. I just want to be taken by surprise if it's going to take me. I hate fighting losing battles. I just hate losing, I guess. 

I really hope this rant is a product of pms. 

i am a junk food person.

Lately I've been snagged on this idea about myself, that I'm a junk food type of person. There are people who are good for you, good for themselves. They do well, do right, offer the kind of emotional nutrition that can sustain you in the long term. I fear and suspect that I am not this kind of person, or at least that I am not this kind of person anymore. 

You see, I am a fix. I am a short term sugar high. When you meet me at the right moment, I will spin you away into a whirlwind that's addicting and undeniable. I know the draw to me, can feel myself pulling people in. And it's grand and sometimes spectacular and there is a chemistry to me that will make you want to see me again. Make you need to be around me again, consume what I have to offer. 

But that is where it stops. Because I'm not the healthy sort of relationship that can give you the long term effects of a well balanced meal and plenty of sleep. I am the sugar-drenched machiato that tastes great for the five seconds you place your lips to the straw. I am the greasy fast-food bag that you ravage like a rabid creature and then, embarrassed, hide the pitiful wrappers under your sink so your friends won't know you gave in to the temptation. 

I am fun, a good-time girl. And everyone needs one of those to turn to when the stress grows too much and you've got to blow off steam for the night. I am only a faithful servant when what you're ordering is irresponsibility, laughter, poor choices, and a rough tomorrow morning. 

I induce a crash. People lose interest in me because I have so little to offer in the long term. I am that regrettable ice cream cone, that last shot at the end of the night that you didn't need. I'll leave you teetering somewhere between the grand moment I bring and the moment directly afterward, when reality sets back in. 

I'm charming, enticing, by nature. I can convince you that what I am suggesting is so logical it may as well be the only choice, but then four hours later you're hugging a porcelain bowl in some strangers dingy apartment and I'll be spinning my promises to someone new. I'll never desert you on purpose, it's just that my feeble effects wear off so fast that it won't be long until you are able to see me for what I really am. 

I am that weak moment you had. I am that lovely, inviting thing that never delivers on its promises and just plain isn't good for you.

Junk food. 

And we live in a culture of junk. Of consumption and denying the negative effects. There is a place for me, but I fret over the fact that it's surface level and not long lasting. Not the kind of thing adults with any impulse control whatsoever reach for in weak moments. 

I am a cigarette, a beer, a fast food window, a bag of chips. I'll satisfy you on a moment to moment basis, but either you realize what I really am, worthless, and move on, or you start to crave me in a way that makes it impossible for me to deliver. 

It's not your fault. I can only be what I am.