Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Sharp Teeth

I'm terrified of the dentist. Actually frightened to go anywhere near.

But not because I'm afraid of being in pain or the sound of a drill. Actually, aside from the blinding light, I quite enjoy lounging in the chair and the challenge of having an entire conversation using a limited vernacular of grunts and nostril flares while a pleasant and astoundingly well groomed mother-figure flosses my teeth for me. Sue me, I find entertainment in trying to drink out of a straw after a few shots of numbing agent; it's fun for me.

I'm scared to death of going to the dentist because I don't want to get stuck with an enormous bill at the end of the entire ordeal- And at this point I've let it go so long that the fear of the bill just grows as I'm sure the dollar amount does.

I stumble in for a teeth cleaning and all of the sudden they're telling me they simply HAVE to fix, fill, or whatever the fuck they need to do with these teeth of mine and I can't just opt out of any of it because it's my health. Whatever, dangling the "But it's your health" fear card over my head pisses me off. Because you know what?  It's all just a superfluous ploy to squuuueeze money out of me that I don't really have.

It hasn't always been this way, up until age 18 my pearly whites were cavity-free and ready to party. Apparently I'm not aging well or something. Awesome.

 I'm 24 years old. I've been off my parents' insurance for two and a half years. I have a college degree and actual work experience and I now make an hourly wage with an abissmal-at-best benefits package and no sick days. Three months ago I got a haircut at Greatclips for the first time since I started wearing a bra... times are TOUGH. I can't afford to have a dentist in a leased seven series BMW and two kids in parochial school tell me that he's got to "fix" half of the teeth in my goddamn mouth because he's seeing "Some deeper crevices that could lead to be trouble spots."

I honestly haven't gone to the dentist in over two years because the last one I went to fed me some crock of shit about how I HAD to come back the next day and get, I KID YOU NOT, eight cavities fixed. Not filled, FIXED, what does that even mean?! BULLSHIT. So I didn't show up for my appointment, never returned their calls, and have basically been leading a completely normal (for me) life ever since.

Sureeeeeeeee, my teeth can be a bit....sensitive to sugar and extreme temperatures at times, but I can't really complain. My molars are still mashing up that meat and whatnot just as they're evolutionarily supposed to do, and this way I'm not being forced to choose between eating nothing but ramen for six months and paying $75+ a tooth for a something that's not even really a problem for me at the moment. I brush (twice) daily, I floss (as much as any twentysomething with a million better things to do does), and I try to chew sugarfree gum- I basically feel that I'm doing my part.

Let's just say I'm banking on the zombie apocalypse.

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