Tuesday, January 4, 2011

GOOD morning.

Happy New Year, by the way.

I'll soon get around to posting my GOALS for 2011, since resolutions are soooo five years ago, but I guess this also means that if 'a halt to procrastination' was on that list, I'm already failing. However, the joke's on the list because since it isn't published yet, I can still omit lines. Bahahahaha.

But enough about that, let's shift focus, shall we? Whew.

I wake up early.

I wake up early willingly and not just in the fuck-I-have-to-get-to-work  sense. I like it. It's kind of sick, but the morning is my shit.

I relish in watching the sun languidly make its way over the horizon, then the tree line, then the clouds. I sip coffee, read the paper. I'm productive. I sing in the car on my daily 7:20 am commute. I'm the cheeriest person at the office in the morning and sometimes, I suspect my co-workers are scheming to knock my awake-level down a few notches. Or plotting to end my life. It's that bad. I don't even like anyone at the office that much, but I just can't turn down the morning cheer. (Unless I had a wine night that previous evening, in which case I'm usually trying to disguise the shakes and/or convince myself that I should at least attempt to survive the day.)

I get more done in the hours of 7-10 am then most people manage to do all day. I am the nails-on-chalkboard annoying person that's always in a good mood before you've recovered from the sound of your alarm rousing you from that weird and mildly disturbing dream you were having.

I am a morning person.

There is one problem with this chronic, jovial, early-morning-riser song and dance.
NO ONE else I know is blessed with the same sentiment as I am regarding the being awake side of conscienceness in the early-morning hours, especially Manfriend.

Believe you me when I say that entire days have been ruined between me and Manfriend as a result of my unrelenting early-morning-pep.

However, not for lack of trying. I put in a legitimate effort at least once a month to sleep in, but I never make it past 8:30. MAYBE  9:30, if heavy drinking has been involved... and even then... not so much.
Butttttt... it gets worse. You know in Big Daddy when that adorable little kid pisses the bed and wakes Adam up to tell him and Adam just lays down a layer of newspaper and instructs the child to go back to sleep, himself falling right back into bed? Remember how the little kid keeps rolling over and over and tossing and turning until Adam Sandler finally gets up, yelling and cursing? And it's kind of worrying that he's an adult and really thought laying newspaper down would work, but also a little bit heartwarming that he's so inept at parenting, but giving it the old college try? Well I"m the little kid. Minus the peeing the bed.

Once I'm up, if I try to stay in bed, I will fucking toss and turn and become the most irritating being in existence. I can't help it.

Manfriend would sleep until noon every. single. day. if it was acceptable. And stay up until 1:30 in the morning or something equally unrealistic and unbeleivable. Except, I've found, for people my age, it's really not that unreasonable. At all. Which is disconcerning for me, because am I already on my way to the early-bird special and those weird geriatric space-age-looking sunglasses? I really don't see the problem with it.

Usually the exchange goes something like this:

7:37 am, Saturday Morning

Sara: (Opens eye, stretching) Thinks to self "Ahhhh I just slept an extra hour, GAH  I love Saturday. I'm hungry. I need to pee. I'm bored. What's Manfriend doing? He's sleeping. I should wake him up so we can hang out!  WAIT! Don't wake him up yet, he'll be cranky, he'll be TICKED, the rest of the day will be filled with badness. Close your eyes, Sara, TRY to go back to sleep."

7:41 am, Saturday Morning

Manfriend: ZZZZZ
Sara: Thinks to self "Wow, he's really sleeping. Is this creepy? I'm watching him, that's creepy. I'm SO bored. I should go pee. I'm hungry. I wonder if Manfriend would be cranky if I woke him up now. Maybe he's hungry. He doesn't look that hungry. Yet. " Pokes Manfriend.
Manfriend: ZZZZZZZZzzzzZZZZZ
Sara: Gets out of bed to scavenge the fridge/use the bathroom/mill around the house aimessly.

8:02 am, Saturday Morning.

Sara: Thinks to self " I AM SO BORED. He's practically waking up. Did he just open his eyes? He's going to wake up. I'm starving. I. MUST. HAVE. FOOD. ::Shaking Manfriend:: "Babe, babe, are you awake?! IT'S MORNING!"
Manfriend: "Ehhhhhhh" Rolls over
Sara: "Are you hungry too? I'm starving! I had this dream last night where I was in a hot-air-balloon and the trees were made out of lollypops and then we went to this car dealership and the cars were all made out of cotton and I was like, 'will that cotton hold me?' but then the cotton made it so no one got hurt in crashes and so then we decided to drive to Japan......
Manfriend: Pulls pillow over head.
Sara: Shakes Manfriend violently. "BABE!!! LOOK, IT'S DAY!!! THE SUN IS OUT!!!"
Manfriend: "What time is it, Sara?"
Sara: "It's practically noon, look where the sun is in the sky. The day is basically half over. Wake up and feed me."
Manfriend: Looks at phone, realizes it's 8:04 am. Makes angry sounds. Rolls over and attempts to sleep while I continue to badger him for the next 45 minutes until he is finally convinced to get out of bed, cranky and broken.

1. I am an asshole.
2. I become incredibly dependent on Manfriend to meet my basic needs on the weekends.
3. Someone could come and kidnap Hally and me at any time between the sun rising and noon and Manfriend wouldn't even notice we're gone until it's too late and we're murdered and chopped up into little tiny pieces and burned and then dumped in a landfill, never to be found.
4. I have an overactive imagination.
5. Manfriend should go to bed earlier so he can wake up earlier.

May your mornings be forever merry.

XO Sare

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