Thursday, January 6, 2011

Practice makes perfect

I almost just died and before I tell you what happened, you should know that my last thought had I died would have been regret at never managing to master personal hygiene.

I was just reminded that I'm a mere mortal in one of the most disturbing ways, ever.

Earlier, around 12:38, when I got back to my little cubicle after lunch, I did my post-lunch routine of taking my vitamin and allergy pill. Only today, I didn't have any sort of liquid to to help wash them down. "No Problem," I thought to myself, "My ability to swallow pills without water is pretty impressive, I'm practically a dry-pill-swallowing Aficionado, this will be no problem whatsoever."

I pysch myself up a little and then go for a kill. I same-time it, hoping for the best.

As planned, the pill swallowing mission was successful and went off without a hitch.

I've mastered this task.


I continue my post-lunch routine of catching up on emails and checking facebook on my phone. I"m fine. Everything is status-quo.

Or so I thought.

I prepare some papers and take them up to the copier to scan to my computer.

I line them up, press scan, and cough.

I cough and then it feels wrong, so I cough again.

This time something unlodges itself from my throat that I didn't even know was lodged in my throat, and makes its way up my esophagus and back into my oral cavity. This is fucking weird. It tastes TERRIBLE, like worse than anything I've ever tasted, and it's not phlegm. I was expecting phlegm; it’s winter, I’m perpetually runny, and I have allergies. I immediately go into a panic sweat. It's literally like every single one of my goddamn pores is opening and expelling sweat at once, for a split second.


I realize in that instant that I failed to apply deodorant this morning. I'm an adult, for all intents and purposes, and I can't even manage to put on deodorant in the morning? The HELL? I wonder how many times I've failed to put on deodorant in the time that I've worked here and not even noticed. What if I'm the smelly one? What if my cubicle stinks? OMG, I can't live with the embarrassment.

I'm freaking out about possibly being smelly and also the thing that just appeared in my mouth.

I'm dying.

Focus, Sara.

 I look around to see if anyone is looking at me and I reach into my mouth to investigate.

IT'S MY PILL. My sonofabitch allergy pill. Mushy and chalky and DEFINITELY not successfully swallowed.

I'll probably try again tomorrow.

XO Sare

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