Thursday, November 3, 2011

an exersize in happiness

This morning on his way to work Matt got into a car crash at 60 mph while we were on the phone and it was fucking terrifying and I'm still shaken up about it and I wasn't even in the car.

I tried to write about it earlier, but I can't yet so maybe tomorrow.

He's going to be fine.

So I'm going to write about something else.

On the whole, I'm not particularly good at measuring my own happiness. I've gotten better at looking around and nodding acknowledgment to those moments when I'm drunk with joy in the last year or so, with making sure I'm present and aware at the happiness I'm feeling, but in general I feel pretty ho-hum about life.

It hasn't always been this way and I don't know how I got here.

Sometimes I wonder what is really important to me.

It seems like there are so many unknowns right now as I claw and climb my way to steadier footing. So I decided to jot down in about two minutes some things that are important to me, it seems like whatever comes out quick may be things I need to acknowledge and reach for foremost. 

So here we go, here is what I know:

Let's take an ultimate goal, we'll call it happiness. What are the things that will be able to get me there?
I know that I love the outdoors.
I know that I need time alone.
I know that I need to cut loose every once in the while.
I know I hate to cook.
I know that I don't want a ton of money, but more a comfortable life among a beautiful landscape.
I know I don't want to be surrounded with commercialism or material, plastic people.
I know I want to be in love.
I need adventures and cannot stand tedium and routine.
I am a good listener
I love to read
I love to do hands-on activities
I love music
I know I need to be closer to Nan. She's having a rough time.
I like to be autonomous
I know I don't like rules
I know I want to live on the water
I know I need to live an active and healthy lifestyle that doesn't include watching TV all day or even every day and I can't make that an option- sitting around only depressed and un-motivates me
I know I get sucked into laziness when I'm unhappy
I know I need intelligent intellectual conversations
I know I love to learn
I know I stand up for myself and for that's true and right in my own mind, even when odds are against me
I know I hate injustice
I know I like to write
I know it takes a lot for me to get close to people
I know I need exploration and adventure
I know I get overwhelmed in crowds unless I'm in the right mindset
I know I can be incredibly charming, social, and charismatic when I'm in the right mental state
I know I'll always want to go to the party
I know I have a tendency to just do things. Sometimes without thinking them logically through.
So there's what the top layer of my mind knows.
I could really stand to organize things up there.

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