heavy.

Days like today feel heavy.

 

The fact that it's cloudless and the sun is playing on the colors of the leaves like stained glass as the wind sighs through them isn't helping. The fact that it's November and 65 degrees and better than ideal isn't helping.

 

It's nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with me. But the fact that I feel this heavy on a perfect day somehow makes it all seem so much worse.

 

It's just that sometimes I look around and I'm not sure how I got to where I am standing. It's just so far from where I want to be, in almost every facet of my life.

 

What the fuck am I doing?

 

Sometimes it feels like if I could just get mad enough or sad enough or joyful enough or one extreme or that other I could make some headway. I know that's not how it works. I know a lot of things about 'that's not how it works." I guess I'm lacking on 'the way it works' front.

 

You know what else? Nothing about my life is even wrong. Everything is fine. I'm fine. We're all fine. I've got absolutely no reason to feel so gloomy.

 

Which is why it feels heavier today. Because if it were raining or cold or cloudy, at least I would have something to feebly tether the blame for feeling this miserable.