Tuesday, March 26, 2013

inner voices and actually listening.

Last night a friend texted me with free Josh Ritter tickets. He had to work, so he couldn't go. His loss, my win.  

Now let me drop a little background on you, I've wanted to see Josh Ritter live for approximately six years. Six years. My attention span on most things is like 1/10000 of that length of time or less. The last time he was in my town, the show sold out like four people in front of me in line and I threw a temper tantrum, complete with tears, in the parking lot beside the bar he was playing that night. It was a classy move, because I have always been an adult that controls my emotions and has my shit together. 

After that fateful night of near-miss, Josh went on tour in Europe and I graduated from college and started this constant locational drift. Whatever. Good times for both of us, I'm sure. Probably better times for him. 

Fast forward to last night. Here I am on a Monday early evening in Missoula. I have zero real obligations until 3pm on Tuesday.  And I've just been offered free tickets to see a man who has eluded me since the days when I was still dying my hair- at a venue that is less than a half a mile walk from my apartment.. Serendipity, right? 

This is the part where I tell you that I didn't go. 

Don't get me wrong, I almost did. As soon as I got word that the tickets were mine, I furiously texted some friends to see who could go with me. I took a shower. A shower, on Monday night, that's unheard of for me! I also blew my hair dry, something I have done MAYBE twice in the past month. I wanted to look my best for Josh, obviously. 

And then I was getting dressed and I looked at myself in the mirror and I realized that my body was exhausted. I mean, I already knew that I was really, really tired, but I happen to hold the philosophy that I can sleep when I'm dead if there is something exciting going on in the near perimeter. I live for concerts and flinging my body around in joyful dance and tall boys of beer and people watching and laughter and all that energy. But you know, I just didn't have any energy to add. I had nothing to bring at all. 

Probably a younger version of myself would have gone anyway, drank too much so I forgot I was bone tired and flirted my way up to the front. Maybe I would have stayed for the show and the encore and then visited the friend that gave me the tickets at the bar where he works afterward. Forced myself to fake enough energy until I made it through the night. 

But not this version. This version that I am right now, today, last night, finally, finally listened to the voice inside, despite my wildest desires. I heard myself saying what was really right for me, to stay home, to go to bed early. And that's what I did. Surprisingly, it wasn't even that much of a struggle to make the decision, once I just acknowledged what it was that I actually wanted and needed. And maybe part of me is a little bit sad that I missed hearing Josh Ritter yet again, but a much bigger part is so, so glad that I listened to myself. 

Until next time, Josh. 

Oh the heart has no bones you say so it won't break/
But the purpose of loving is the pounding it takes


  1. aww I understand. Self care, dude. Hope you at least got some good sleep :)

  2. Throw it to the dogs or whoever. Weird how these things start to happen, but in the long run, you really are better off when you do what you need to as opposed to what you want to. Josh will be back.