Friday, July 19, 2013

to no one, anymore.

I want you to call me. Or text me. Or show up at my house. That's what I want.

I want you to feel so compelled to be near me, to touch me and talk to me, that you find me. You sniff me out in the air and somehow know what direction to go to get to me. 

I want to feel challenged by you and I want you to make me feel beautiful. At the same time. I want to feel confused and safe and wary in the same instant and for you to feel the same way. But to reach toward me anyway. I want to be burned and blistered by you and then have you rub aloe onto my wounds. I want it to somehow feel like a constant contradiction and only make sense to me and you.

I want to be able to touch you whenever I want, but secretly, because I don't want anyone else to know how desperate I am to feel your skin. How desperate I am to make sure that you're real and within my proximity. To test the texture and and heat of you.

I want to lose you at parties. I want to be having a conversation with someone interesting and attractive and to catch your eye across the room and I want us to have a look for each other that means "I can't stand you so far away from me, lets meet up in five minutes in that hidden corner and run our fingers and tongues all over one another and then let's lose each other until we give this look this way again."

I want it to be tawdry, and I know it will be. I know it will be explicit in a way that is new to me. I don't care. I want to feel like I'm falling right now. I want to be falling into nothing. I don't want to float, I want to plummet. I want that feeling in my stomach when gravity hits you hard because you're in a long drop. I want to feel nervous to see you in the instants prior to your arrival and I want you to pat my behind and whisper something stupid in my ear like "Nice shades," and then talk to everyone else before you come back and really say hello to me. Because that's how you are and I like the way you are. You can ignore me initially, but I will use the sheer force of my will to draw you to me, trust. 

I want to lie on blankets in the grass at parks and watch you smile when you talk and admire how handsome you are, even if your legs are too skinny. I want to argue back and forth sarcastically and get flustered and raise my voice and live in that place that never has to be too serious, because there are many things in my life that are serious enough. And I want to see you pet dogs that wander our way and speak to them like they're human children, and then watch you lose interest in them and discard them like a human child would do, because that is just the way that you are. 

I want to lie with you in bed with the windows open and no clothes on in afternoon light and to make a tent out of the sheets. That is when I will really look at you. That is when I will really feel safe to openly stare, when we're lying there under a tent of legs and light fabric and no one else is around to see. I don't want anyone to know the depth of my adoration for you, I couldn't bear it. It's important to me to keep this private, you see. 

I want you to make me food, entire meals, and I want you to feed them to me in bed with your hands, even though the thought of that is actually kind of disgusting. I want disastrous spills, where we both jump up and rip the blankets off of the bed as fast as we can and then laugh hysterically because it doesn't really matter and anyway we're a couple of naked assholes with sticky, soggy, blankets. And then I want us to sit on the bare mattress and finish eating. And when we accidentally fall asleep half-sitting-up, I want to wake with a crick in my neck, but I won't dare move because I'm resting my head on your bare chest and it's a perfect moment. Yes. That is something that I want. 

I want it to feel dangerous and risky sometimes. I want to sometimes be mad at you for being distant and acting too cool just so that I can be relieved when you do something unexpected and nice or say my name the way that I like it to be said. In just the right tone of voice. In love, I can be very forgiving, but it doesn't even have to be love, I don't need that. I only care about magnetism right now. I want to be pulled. I want to pull you as hard as I can without you even realizing it. You're already pulling me. 

I want to watch you when you're busy. You're a very busy person. Always creating an atmosphere or starting a riot or bringing cohesion to the group of people who are thrown together randomly. I want to see you being busy and make whatever task you've set your mind to more difficult, on purpose. And I want you to act or actually be annoyed by it, but to want me anyway. I want to be the person who makes being the way you are harder and easier at the same time. I don't want to save you, I never want that to be my job, but I do want to make you want to be better. More than better, though, I want you to be happier. It sounds noble to say that, but I'm not trying to be noble, I just have no use for more unhappy people. I want you to be happier, selfishly, for me. Okay, part of it is true, I do want to be the person that makes you happier. I do want to be partially responsible for the swing in your step. You've got a good step.

I want to ignore your habits and stew about them in private. I want to worry in my own way without you knowing it. I want to be withholding sometimes because the things you do are sometimes foreign and scary to me and I want you to know that you scare me without drawing attention to it. You can make it up to me some way other than changing. I don't want you to change. I don't want to be held responsible for you feeling as if you need to be more responsible. Responsibility is a bitch, anyway.

But, I do want to make you do things you probably never do, like play scrabble or watch movies. I bet you never watch movies. I bet you don't have the attention span for it. But I want to try to make you watch a movie and act annoyed when you talk through the whole thing or try to get my attention. I'll act like I'm ignoring you and really focus on the movie and then you'll pull out the big guns and reach into my underwear and I'll sigh and roll my eyes and give you my attention reluctantly, but I'll be elated that you even want it. 

I want you to teach me how to fly fish or teach me one of your other hobbies and I want to be a natural at it because you're not a patient person and neither am I. I want to be good at the things you are good at, and I want you to be impressed by it. I don't need you to act impressed, though. I just need you to want to be around me. To need to be around me. Not all the time, just when I want you to be. I want you to have your own life, I want to get to keep my own life and all my freedom. I think we're a lot alike in that regard.

I don't want to be a burden to you. I know you throw out dead weight quickly. I will be light and breezy, I promise. 

I just want so much.

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