Monday, February 6, 2012

how to get through a Monday morning

 Hit snooze only once for best results.
Pad toward bathroom in complete dark so as not to disturb sleeping boyfriend.
Start shower water. Brush teeth while it warms.
Ease into water. Keep it colder than enjoyable to stymie possibility of taking any longer than humanly necessary. Ponder rapidly disintegrating fucked-up dreams. Decide they're too weird to share with anyone today.
Moisturize. Moisturize like crazy. Fret over impending wrinkles. Deny, deny deny.
Check facebook/email. But just skim. You don't have time for this.
Blow dry hair. Ugh. Get tired/bored of blow drying hair. Put shirt in dryer. Finish blow drying *(#&$ing thick hair.
Start your car appox. 7 minutes prior to departure to work, via remote.
Grab successfully dewrinkled shirt out of dryer and choose one of 6 actually cleaned, actually hanging-up pairs of work pants. Silently thank yourself for cleaning your room on Friday evening. Curse yourself for not washing undergarments. Scavenge around for a suitable bra. Settle on a least favorite. Feel sense of pride at clean pants vaporize at prospect of wearing a shitty bra.
Decide against rooting around for breakfast, no time thanks to the damn bra debacle.
Rush outside and discover every window on your vehicle is still covered in a thin but determined layer of frost. Fuck! It wasn't on defrost. Damn it. Turn on defrost. Grab first sturdy flat thing out of purse and begin scraping violently at each window. Realize it's your debit card. Shrug and resume scraping, you don't have any money to spend with card for the next week anyway, it may as well be physically useful.
Ease car into the drive. Avoid stopping where not absolutely necessary. Shoot gaps where possible. Dig through bag until mascara is located. Apply at any reasonable time. Ie: various states of stopping and moving.
Get first decent look at the bobby-pin job you did this morning on bangs in rear-view mirror. Wince.
Re-administer bobby pins three times while simultaneously merging, changing radio station/volume, and answering phone.
Redirect attention toward insufficient use of mascara.
Greet boyfriend via phone. Go through various stages of morning conversation.
Mutter 'What the fuck?' several times at asinine/slow drivers.
Perkily answer, 'Nothing!" when asked what you just said by boyfriend. You're working on your attitude.
Curse at dropped call at the same spot it happens every morning. Check clock. Brood over a three minute period of time loss caused by missing a green arrow. 
Dramatically croon along to "Black Balloon"
Intermittently continue to apply mascara.
Exclaim "I lost you!" when boyfriend calls again. Silently curse out piece of shit phone.
Get in right lane to exit highway. Bitch about the half mile stretch spent going 60mph due to "Slow ass mother fucker. "
Spritz yourself with scent. Hang up phone.
Ease faster than really safe onto the street where your office is located.
Scan parking lot as you whip into your spot.
Realize your bosses car is missing. Watch hopes fly instantly higher than safe. Feel altitude sickness take hold from said hopes shooting through the roof.
Greet coworkers with "Where is _____?" (boss)
Exchange pleasantries. Learn of unreported Drs appt.
Silently thank universe for a brief extension from boss-induced stress.
Turn on computer.
Walk downstairs while it boots up. Scrounge around for stray food items/pour first cup of coffee.
Welcome to your work week.

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