Wednesday, July 11, 2012

the very edge of sanity. though strangely void of tears.

I am a basket case right now.
Typing that wasn't really a relief, per say, but the fact that I"m acknowledging the point seems a step in a right direction.
I am frustrated, stressed, emotionally exhausted, pissed off, and irritable. Among other things. They're have a marked influence, to the negative, on my excitement level toward my next step and the huge, awesome changes that are about to take place in my life.
I don't know why, but I have this stubborn idea that I have to maintain a calm exterior at all times. At all times. When sometimes I am thinking to myself, "Will this be the last time I drink out of this glass in this apartment?"
I didn't realize on Monday morning as I grabbed my keys off of the bookshelf by the door on my way out to work that it would be the last time I would see Matt and my books jumbled together on its shelves; his were gone, packed into a box, before I got home from work that day.
Anyway. What I'm trying to say is that I'm putting all this pressure on myself to be totally fine with this. With everything happening. To let the disappointments and downright shit that's happened in trying to make this move GO  just roll off my back. Which is completely contrary to my nature.
I freak out a lot, that's all there is to it.
But I hold some absurd amount of smug pride in the fact that I can truthfully say that I haven't broken down and cried yet. Cried about leaving my boyfriend, my family, my new niece, my dog, my friends, this town that I have grown to love. Fucking good for me. For holding onto pride at the fact that I'm not letting myself process the loss. Because you know what I've decided? That's stupid as hell. All this holding everything down is holding down the good, too. All this not getting upset over minor and major obstacles in my path is forcing me to stay numb. Even keel. I'm not an even keel person. I'm passionate and loud and boisterous and I cry over the damn movie previews, what's the point in holding it all down for something this, this, this...worthy?
I don't know.
I guess I feel like I should be marching bravely ahead. This is the path I chose, so my devotion and commitment to it should be unwavering. But at the cost of showing my friends and family that leaving them is actually hard? I don't know. I don't know if they know that I'm struggling with it at all, because to be honest, up until this moment I haven't really let myself consciously realize that I actually am struggling with it.
I don't want to be the kind of person that is afraid. And I think that's part of the reason for my impressive show of stoicism. But I also don’t want to be the kind of person that isn’t honest about my emotions and feelings.

The truth of the matter is that I am willing myself not to struggle. It’s essential for some to do this to get through the quagmires and swamps that life drags us into. But this doesn’t have to be that for me, and I think I may be making it that way.

So, I am a basket case right now. There, I said it. A step in a right direction.

1 comment:

  1. These are big effing changes! I'd be losing my mind, too. You'd be totally abnormal to not be freaking out. I'm going through something similar and all I can say is, and it's banal, things always start to iron themselves out and it's ok to freak out over it but know you will fall into a new routine in a new place and it will be great. It just takes time. And this isn't a life sentence; you'll be back if you want to be. I'm sure you know but sometimes it's good to get a reminder :)