Tuesday, August 19, 2014

breaking up is hard to do.

Good day and a disclaimer: I'm not trying to be a total bitch, but this will probably come off that way.

I recently broke up with a dude.

We dated for five months and I really cared for him. I did. But it wasn't working out and I wasn't happy with him, so I ended it. We had many good times, but I also spent a lot of the time pretty unsatisfied.

Now, a younger version of me would have stayed in a miserable situation, totally unhappy, for a lot longer just to avoid having the awkward break-up conversation. We're talking years. And then the inevitable parting of ways would have been really ugly and destructive because I would have had a ton of pent-up negative energy toward the situation. I know this, I've done this before. Multiple times. I avoid break ups, even to the point of staying with someone I actually start to hate. And then afterward I'm filled with bitterness and anger. It's a pattern. I admit.

However, in this most recent case, I wasn't super miserable, I just knew that ultimately it wasn't a good fit and it wouldn't work out. I was basically at the end of the pre-miserable phase. About to merge onto the highway of unhappiness so to speak.

So, in a totally uncharacteristic move, I opted not to drag things out, and to just end it. I debated if I could reasonably pull this off via text or email, then mentally slapped myself across the face and internally shouted 'get it together, man!' I can be pretty avoidant, as I've mentioned above. Instead, I paced around for several moments and actually called to break things off. Yes, I realize in-person would have been ideal, but I already hadn't seen the guy for a week and we live two miles apart. He wasn't exactly trying to see me.

So, what I feel I did was the mature thing. I opted to end the relationship very directly and honestly. I didn't say anything nasty or mean and I didn't point fingers, though I certainly felt like I could have. I just told him it wasn't working out and I didn't think we were right for each other. He said 'ok' a lot and was mostly quiet. I told him I really didn't want this to be mean and nasty, and that I really like and care for him, but that it just wasn't working for me anymore. Then I asked him if he had anything he wanted to say or ask and he said no. We hung up and I went about my evening. Honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, five minutes of tough conversation and then a lot of relief.

It always sucks to be the person telling your partner that they no longer make you happy, which is probably why I live in denial and delay it most of the time.

But I did it, and I'm proud of myself. I said everything I needed to say. And I didn't attack him with my laundry list of his indiscretions.

Fast forward to now, two weeks later.

This guy is now harassing me via text and gchat. The two means of communication that I opted out of when deciding to break up. He's saying nasty things and trying to make me commit to plans to 'meet up and talk' and then failing to follow up on these plans, even when I agree. I have no interest in meeting up, I'm good with how things ended, so if he wants to meet up, he's going to work pretty hard to make that happen. As in, not expect me to seek it out, ever, because I am in no way interested in doing that.

At this point, I've asked him not to contact me anymore multiple times. It looks like things are getting nasty, which is exactly what I was trying to avoid, because I do actually care for him. Apparently the feeling is not mutual. Which is fine, because I'm fucking free. I get that we can't control other people's reactions to things, and I know that he's hurt and upset, but for crying out loud, I'm not a mean person or a monster or a coward- which for the record, were all labels I was attempting to avoid.

What would a responsible adult do now? My maturity has a limit. Halp.

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