Monday, January 4, 2016


I don't know if it's still cool to believe that a new year means a prime opportunity to strive to better yourself, but I sure as shit hope so, because being more hip is obviously on my list of new years resolutions. Lucky for me, it seems to still be super hip to lose weight 'get healthy' and get organized 'become your best self'.

These things rarely work out for me, resolutions, but I love making them. I love the idea of a solid fresh place to begin again. Maybe some people do that April 18th, but I prefer January 1st.

Anyway, I guess it's time to get down to brass tacks

The thing that  always holds me back is that I have excuses and rationalizations for most of the ruts and unhelpful patterns in my life. Trust me, I can put a spin on any of my own bad behavior. I guess I probably have to in order to continue to get out of bed every morning. But rationalizing has kind of taken a primary role in my life, and it just isn't really making me happy. So I'm going to try to be more honest. I like to laugh at myself, and I think that is such an important part of who I am, but that doesn't mean I have to be a joke. I think honesty is kind of going to be my theme this year. It feels right, anyway.

So here it is, rather inconveniently not in list form:

I really, really need to stop distracting myself from my life. From living. 

That means less disappearing into binge reading spirals, Netflix rabbit holes, a bottle of wine, etc. I'm not getting shit done. Like, I'm really not getting any shit done. I'm not getting out. I'm not working on my relationships with people. I'm not bettering myself. I'm not bettering this world. I'm basically checking out so I can pretend like I'm keeping myself super occupied when really I'm just escaping. I have oodles of time and my life isn't that fucking bad that I need to escape from it. In fact, it would be pretty sweet if I starting hustling even a little bit. 

Speaking of hustling. I claim to love this mountain filled landscape and an active lifestyle. I'm full of shit, obviously, because I just had two weeks straight off of work and I went on exactly one hike. Getting in shape for the new year is cliche for a reason, because it's true, damn it. For me, starting that journey to a new gym for the first time feels harrowing. Well, I suppose it's time I put on my bad bitch panties and realized I'm never going to stop hating the way I look unless I start to feel good about how I treat my body. That doesn't mean I'm ever going to love baring it in a bikini, but at least maybe I'll stop scowling at myself in the mirror as much. 

But, you know what?  Neglecting my body isn't the only reason I'm scowling in that mirror, oh no no no. I suppose there are plenty of reasons for that, but not meeting or even bothering to make personal goals is definitely a contributing factor. So, I'm going to write something at least once a week. I may not post weekly, but writing for the sake of it is a salve, and I need it. I still want to read at least a book a week, which will actually involve me slowing down a bit, but at this point I really need to join the world more than I need to continue to pretend it doesn't exist outside of the book i'm reading at the moment. 

Another thing I desperately need to do is finish all the requirements for licensure in my profession. It's sweet that I can practice without it, but it's costing me an arm and a leg. I'm so close to being there in requirements, it's just all the tallying and organization that's holding me back. It's time to get that shit going. I could be making more money! For the same exact job! And I really need to be making more money, because guess what? 2015 was the year I finally started putting a little money aside, and boy does it feel good! 

So there we go, honesty and hustle. And trying to come up with the cleverest insta #s, obviously. 

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