Tuesday, January 19, 2016

You know those absolute truths in life, that when looked back on kind of make you feel a little sad about their inevitable downfall?

I see them everywhere. Those seemingly infallible truths, washed away without ceremony. 

But some version of me believed in them completely, once. Some different, earlier, less developed, worthy, lovable, messy me.

At least for me it's messy. Sometimes I'm amazed I ever made it from point a to point b.

Over time, the person that I was wrote down a bunch of these things that I thought were unshakable, because, I guess I like making declarations. Because I'm an asshole who never seems to learn that there are no absolute truths in this lifetime. Because I'm always trying to explain things to myself, to make sense of the chaos so that I can be okay in the world.

And sometimes I like to reflect on times I've been wrong, and consider the things I've learned from those errors.

I've declared things like, "I'll never be this happy again as long as I live." 

I have been. Happier, that is.  But maybe I was paying attention in that moment in a way that I never had before. And I'm glad for that, even if it turned out to be false, because happy moments should be treasured and remarked upon. Noticed. And I am also so, so glad that a fleeting moment at age twenty-one wasn't the best it got.  

"I will always love you more than I'll love anyone else ever again."

In my infinite wisdom, I have said some version of  this to more than one person. I don't say it anymore, because I've stopped wanting to limit myself. Why attempt to limit the amount of love I'm capable of feeling? Why pin that albatross to someone in that way? I think it's too much for them to try to live up to. Too much for me to try to force them to do so. 

"Nothing you could ever do would make me turn my back on you. You're my best friend for life." 

This one, of course, surprised me the most in its inaccuracy. It turns out it wasn't a something that broke apart our friendship. It was a collection of different sized slights and betrayals on both of our parts. Helping each other through trials and tribulations seemed like a breeze compared to the status quo our friendship settled into.  I took for granted the title of 'best friend' and she exploited it. In the end we both walked in opposite directions, not exactly turning our backs to one another, but rather on a relationship neither of us really cared enough about to repair anymore. 

In the end, it turns out there is one universal, absolute truth I'm still clinging to, hoping to never be proven wrong.  

It's okay to be enormously wrong, sometimes.

 It's okay to keep growing and learning. 

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