Tuesday, June 14, 2011

stress, man.

I've got stress out the yin-yang right now.

Last night in a move rather unorthodox for me, I ran without a watch or ipod. Mostly because I arrived at the park and realized I had failed to bring EITHER of these important items. Smooth. I was pissed.

Anyway, I decided to tough it out because I've been seriously busy and haven't gotten the number of runs in lately that I'd like to. It's annoying. I'm cranky.  I'm a moody ball of emotions when I don't run. It's pathetic.

Anyway, I'm run, run, running and whatnot and it really does kind of suck because I'm apparently a creature of gadgets and I didn't have my gear. But whatever, I'm doing it and I'm fucking HITTING that pavement. I passed kids on rollerblades. Probably like 9 year olds, but still. ROLLERBLADES. It's like that POWERTHIRST video. I had ENERGY LEGS.

It's kind of amazing slash alarming where I will take things with myself when I don't have the ample distraction of Jay-Z spitting street lyrics straight into my conscious mind.

To say that I'm stressed is quite frankly the fucking understatement of the millenium. I feel overextended. I'm carrying around a giant and growing heap of frustration and general pissed-offedness about my current living situation.  I don't know how to surge forward or even the next step toward some of my main goals. I'm scared, just so terrified that I'm not physcially going to have enough hours in the day to truly honor my commitments to the very best of my abilities. I'm an asshole, which isn't helping matters. And two of my oldest and best friends are moving to South Korea aka Good Korea, and Arizona. In the next two weeks.

While I was running last night in the dusk air and light, it was almost okay. Dusk in Summer is the shit which is pretty much self explanatory, but in case it's not: DUSK- AWESOME. SUMMER- THE GREATEST. Together - THE ULTIMATE STATE OF BEING. So I'm running, and there it is. All of that worry and stress, just there for me to process and work through and not ignore because I don't have MUSIC. It got real.  It was like a stream flowing behind my legs as they hit the pavement, I was untangling it as I ran, holding the ball up around my chest, watching it shrink as my mind sorted it. All of the sudden it was like my problems were completely managable and solvable again.

But then, of course,  I had to stop running at some point. Resume suckidy suck time. Get gas. Clean out my car. Organize my clothes. Follow up on emails. Take a shower. Tedious bullshit that can't be ignored, but alone isn't worth mentioning. Pick up the now-untangled strand of worry and wad it back up so I don't forget anything or leave it lying around for someone to trip on.

Sitting here, confined to my cubicle, it's tangled again. A knotted wad of everything I'm worried about, all that STUFF I've got to do. And the bastard is GROWING.

I keep telling myself that Friday, FRIDAY I leave for vacation. I wish I was looking forward to it the way I should be.  Instead I'm fretting about the fact that there may not be enough hours between now and then to untangle and work through that ever-growing, tangled-up ball of stress. 

XO Sara

1 comment:

  1. Stress can do some crazy things. Are you sleeping enough? Sometimes that can make a bad situation worse. Speaking from personal experience, of course. Regardless, keep up the summertime dusk running and you will feel better! Hang in there...