the right ending.

If I had to sum up my weekend in one word, it would be 'unproductive.'

 

 

 

Aside from reading this 900 page book that just happened to be the last of a trilogy that I'm pretty sure was written for 14 year old girls.  I know this because it was in the young adult room at the library. Just working up the nerve to waltz into the young adult lair at my library took all the courage I could muster.

 

There's a story behind this, I promise.

 

About five-ish years ago I read the first two books of this series... which would mean I was still probably a little old to be reading them, but WHATEVER, maybe I like reading books about magic and England in the late 1800s, written for preteens. I'm not ashamed. I call these little dandies 'junk food books," because sometimes I just need to read something that isn't intellectually above my head/exhausting.

 

Anyway, this third book wasn't out yet when I read the first two, so in my college/life haze, I completely forgot about them and the release of the third and final book. Until recently, when thanks to pinterest I rediscovered/remembered how much was yet to be resolved in the dramatic conclusion. 

 

So yeah. I went back and reread the first two books last week and read the third one this weekend in all its nearly 900 pages of glory.

 

It was a labor of love for me and my poor eyeballs... until about 15 pages to the end when the author did something to the main characters that PISSED ME OFF. I'm tensing up just thinking about it.

 

I mean, I threw the book down and stomped off to go grab a beer and mentally steal myself for the final 15 pages of disappointment. It was 1:30 in the afternoon... on Sunday.

 

And because I'd committed myself in time and emotional investment, I finished the book whilst crying my eyes out because sometimes that's just what happens.

 

In true dork/neurotic form, I read the interviews with the author about the trilogy after completing the series. in an attempt to make peace with her decision to not give me the ending I craved.

 

And I'm still not quite at peace with it, because if I can't get the fairytale ending at the conclusion of a story written for adolescent females... where can I?

 

However, I sort of, kind of have to give this author the props she deserves. Because you know what? She didn't write the easy ending. She wrote the right one. Sure, the budding romance that had built momentum throughout over 2000 pages of text that I was anxiously chopping at the bit to finally see actually happen didn't get the shiny/happy/predictable ending. Instead the male love interest met a tragic end in order to save the main female character. The remaining 15 or so pages of the book follow this leading lady as she grieves, casts off the traditional London "season" that young ladies go through to find suitable husbands and secure a top place in society, and instead sails to New York to attend college.

 

It's a good ending, really. This girl shows strength of spirit and gumption. She lives boldly without the need of a man or really, the approval of society. I admire the writer of this series for giving the main character such a strong and independent end. Ultimately, I thank is important to show young women that casting off traditional roles to follow your dreams is a worthy thing. That being a strong and independent woman is not something to be ashamed of, that you can survive without the love of a man.

 

So yes, I'm making peace with this because the 25 year old woman in me knows it's the right message to send.

 

But the 14 year old girl in my heart is still pissed because, damn it, I still want to believe in fate and love being enough to face any trial or tribulation and the passionate kiss at the end of the day.

 

 

So, hats off, Libba Bray. You didn't give me the conclusion I wanted, but you gave the one we readers needed, and I've got to believe that's even more important.

 

But seriously, please write a 4th book. Please?

 

... And that, my friends, was my weekend.

 

 

foiled again.

At my library the new books are '2 week only' books. Which means you can only check them out for two weeks.

 

That explanation was unnecessary,

 

Anyway, you can't go online and renew them if you're not done reading them yet which often happens with books since I always manage to check out like 50 at a time for some reason, as if the library is going to be closed for six weeks instead of open every day and two minutes from my house.  Yes, I often run into a little problem with two week books. Because sometimes, SOMETIMES, I don't get around to opening them until the 12th day or so, and then it's a race against the clock. I almost never win these races.

 

Either I pay a daily fine for hoarding them.

 

Or I'm sneaky and I run into the library, have the clerk check it back in and then immediately check it back out.

 

Whew, problem solved.

 

I get the book for longer and I'm not holding it hostage and everyone is happy.

 

Until yesterday.

 

Yesterday I strode into the library urgently because I wanted to make sure I was in the clear with The Marriage Plot, which happened to be due and I was just at a really good part and wanted to get back to reading it immediately.

 

I was on page 139. I had marked pages 116 and 136 because I took a certain shining to quotes on both of those pages.

 

I was about to take the book back and drive home impatiently, burst in the door and kiss my boyfriend and hug my dog and grab a handful of cookies and promptly disappear into a fiction-induced haze for AT LEAST two more hours.

 

Then came the fateful words:

 

"I'm sorry, but it looks like there is a hold on this one."

 

DUPED.

 

heavy sigh.

2012 Resolutions...fresh and early PART 2

Here's a continuation of all my hopes and dreams and wishes and schemes for 2012, started yesterday. Okay, not all of them. Not even close. But these, at least, can be lumped together as resolutions.  And so here they are:



9. Send more snail mail.

I used to be so good at sending hand written letters and cards. What happened to me? This year I'm going to be more on the ball with that. Graciously, all my friends have moved away,  so I've got a lot of opportunities to send love across the miles.

10. Start writing down what moves me in the books I read.

Okay so this one is kind of a cheat. I've already started a little project for this, last month. but I want to keep doing it. Start giving more of myself to it. I come away with so much after I read a book and too often all the wisdom and lessons get swept away in the shuffling of life and new books. I'm starting a catalogue of sorts.

11. Sing more.

This is perhaps a bit silly, but I LOVE to sing. I'm by no means on track to make a living from my stellar vocal abilities or try out for x factor, but singing out loud, really belting out a song, gives me so much joy. It's such a release for me. So, in 2012, I will sing more. I'll sing every chance I get. I'll sing in the shower, in the car, entire conversations with people, while I'm getting ready for my day. Could potentially be very embarrassing. Will be very joyful.

12. Focus my energy.

I'm all over the place. This is probably because I'm curious like a cat and interested in EVERYTHING. I by no means want to lose that, but I think it's time to spend my time more focused so that I'm more efficient with what I'm learning. I've always got a million projects going, books started, chapters half-written. Time to focus it a little. Try to finish some things, maybe pursue some interests further. Focus some of that mad, mad energy.

13. Be more unabashed about being a bitch- aka feel less guilty for being who I am.


At the end of the day, I have a pretty good relationship with myself. I'm not a pushover, I'm not out to hurt people, and I strive to make people laugh above all else. I like myself, I feel I'm a decent person, and a good friend. So why is it that so often, I feel like I have to contain parts of myself for some people and other parts for others? Keeping track of it all is making me miserable and dizzy. If folks aren't willing to take what I have to give them on any given day, I'll find new folks that will. I'm not fighting with myself over it anymore. I am at peace and everyone gets one Sara. I can only be the best me possible if it's the real me all the time. I'm done trying to be a shape shifter to fit into boxes and jump through hoops. 

Whew.


 

14. Quit my job.

I suppose this goes in conjunction with #6. I've only stayed this long out of fear, really. Fear of the leap, of the fall, of the crash and burn. Of not having that steady paycheck. But I realized recently that the crash and burn is here and now, I am crashed and almost burned to bits. I've got to walk away from the fire or burn alive. This time next year, if I'm not in grad school, I'll at least be earning my livelihood somewhere else. That's a promise, self.

15. Spend every second I can outside.

It makes me happy, more than almost anything else, to be outside. This year, I'll know that and make sure I'm mindful of that when I decide what to do with my precious free time. I hate, hate, hate sitting around, waiting, feeling like I"m wasting my time. I'm going to take back my time in 2012, and I'm going to spend it out of doors.

16. Pay my parents $3000. Like, 4 months ago.



Earlier this year, my parents were able to bail me completely out of credit card debt in one fell swoop, which is lucky because I'm pretty sure the constant worry and anxiety was giving me an ulcer.  I can't even begin to express how much this helped my attitude toward life and how fortunate I am that they were able to do that.  If only paying them back was just as swift. Not only am I bad with my money, but this year has been full of unexpected expenses and necessary purchases. I have not been able to pay them back in full yet, and it feels like tiny ants eating me from the inside out every time I think about it. Their phone calls are much nicer than the credit card company's, and I'm not paying 30% interest anymore, but still, it weights heavily on my conscience. I know if I buckle down I can have them paid back in a few months. By 2013, hopefully I'll have that amount in my savings account again.

17. If it takes less than a minute, do it now.

I read this in The Happiness Project and it's a genius little piece of advice. Less than a minute? Do it NOW. For instance, it makes me so so so fucking mad when no one changes the toilet paper roll or refills the hand soap when those things run out. In the past I'd make myself miserable, testing to see how long it would take someone to do it, since I had done it the last time. I'd be furious every time I sat to pee or went to wash my hands. WHY? Why? I don't need that negative energy. It takes less than 30 seconds to do both, so now, I'm just going to do it. I'm so glad it's done that my frustration doesn't even last that long. This goes for other tasks too, like taking off my pants when I get home to put on sweats. I just throw them on the ground in my haste and then at the end of the week I'm tripping over a pile of pant legs and frowning at the mess. Why not just hang them up right now, avoid the fuss? Less than a minute? Do it now.

So there you go. My 2012 resolutions.

I hope you all have a safe and magical New Years Eve... really I'll take any excuse to get all dressed up, drink copious amounts of champagne, and pull my dress over my head at the end of the night.

Maybe not the last part.

Then again, gotta bring the new year in right.

Be safe, be well.

since the last post i'm : still reading constantly.

I JUST found out it's National Banned Books Week.

.... which doesn't really make any sense, but whatever.

The point of the matter is that I found out on THURSDAY that this celebration existed.

Had I known sooner, I may have taken the week off for an all-out reading frenzy. Next year, I will be prepared.

But then again, that's kind of my life lately anyway. Six books in seven days?

Yeah.

There's worse things to be addicted to. Like heroin. I'd say in the grand scheme of coping mechanisms, I"m doing pretty okay.

If I'm needed you can finding me hunkered down with my nose in a book, ignoring all the current worries threatening to take me to total melt-down land.


XO Sara

quality time.

Wooooohoooooooo we're midway through the week, and although it is my greatest hope in this godforsaken life that I will ultimately end up in a field that doesn't force me to remain an embittered weekday commuter and weekend warrior- that is not my reality at the moment. So, I am thrilled that we've passed the halfway point of the work week so that the glorious weekend is closer to us than further away.

Not that I've been using my free time during the week wisely, or anything. Okay maybe a little wisely, because I've been reading almost constantly.

This week I'm powering through a 700 page book by Tom Wolfe called I am Charlotte Simmons as fast as I can, which is never fast enough. It's a lovely book, and well-written- the characters sort of dance around each other until they finally collide and fall apart again, and I am actually resonating with it quite a bit as well as reminiscing my own hellish first quarter at college. I mean, maybe not hellish, but not as awesome as I built it up to be in my 18 year old mind, either.

I'm more than halfway through and although I've spent the better part of all of free time this week (meaning the past two nights), with my nose in said book, I have my sights on spending this evening that way as well.

However I have a little confession.

I already know what happens.

How?

Surely I'm not psychic?!

I would DARE read the final pages first?!!!!

No, I'm afraid it's worse. I have no willpower. I cannot make more time in the day to devote to reading, as much as I wish I could.

So I wiki-ed.

I'm actually really embarrassed about it. I'm ALWAYS tempted to find out what happens when I get wrapped up in books. Even afterward, I almost always research that author- find out where they were born, what their parents did for a living, when they lost their first tooth... you know all the token stalker basics. I just NEED to know what was going on that they were able to create the characters that they did. I get really wrapped up in it and maybe it's a personality flaw or maybe I just have seriously codepedency issues with books and the characters in them.

And I'm such a fast and nerdy reader that I usually just race through books before my feeble willpower gives in to insatiable curiosity about what's going to happen to my beloved characters and new friends.

But not this time... this time, I peeked.

And now all I want to do is sit uninterrupted and finish the damn book. Hopefully, tonight will be the night. At the park. On a blanket. As the sun sets. With snacks.

XO Sare