Sometimes if I go like two whole weeks without showing up to work even moderately hungover, even one time.... I classify myself as an adult.
It's like getting a mushroom and doubling your size in Mario Brothers. I'M BIG!
Yeah, I know. That statement doesn't really speak much for my maturity or responsibility levels.
But I think that may have something to do with the fact that I never really feel like an adult.
Sure, I've mostly paid my bills on time for the past six or so years, I usually don't forget to take out my contacts before I fall asleep at night, and I'm basically 1/2 responsible for a giant dog monster who makes messes that I HAVE TO CLEAN UP and sometimes ruins my things and then I HAVE TO FORGIVE HER. So yeah, I've come a long way.
Still, I feel like I've got some kind of Peter Pan complex or something at times. Or I wonder if certain things about me are just me not being grown up yet and I'll mature my way right out of them when the magical day comes, or if this is it, this is just my personality and I'm going to be this way forever.
This is sort of vague, but that's because it's sort of general. It's never one specific thing, but sometimes it manifests itself as me spending all of my remaining 'wiggle room' money for the next two weeks on dinner and a movie for two. Or sometimes it rears its head as 'forgetting' to brush my teeth one night because my toothbrush is all the way out in my car and zzzzzzzomg it's cold outside and I'm already in bed and sooo comfy and warm and I don't have pants on so obviously I'll just brush them in the morning. And don't even mention flossing. Shit.
I swear I'm done disgusting you with my oral hygiene now.
It's just that there's no guide. I am a reader. I average five books and week and you can verify that with my disgruntled boyfriend because that's not even an exaggeration. I read. All. the. time. There are guides to help you grow up. To help you get healthy. To help you get happy. To help you land an interview. To help you land a job. There are guides for navigating your health insurance and benefits and guides to help you cope with the blows life will inevitably hurl at you from point blank while you're totally unaware, living your life, trying to find the corresponding guide for whatever situation you're in. As someone who often feels totally inept at living, I have read these guides.
And they're useful.
But none of them teach you how not to lose your shit in your car on that asshole that just pulled out in front of you because they, in fact, may be the person interviewing you for that dream job for which you thought you were a shoe-in. They don't tell you that flossing five times in the 24 hours before you go to the dentist after totally neglecting to do so since your last visit isn't going to fool that fucking doctor. (Sorry, I guess I'm really fixated on teeth today.) Or that even though you can totally wake up on time and drag yourself to work hungover, you are not fooling anyone and will basically serving as a walking billboard for AA for the rest of the day.
Nope, those are lessons you have to learn on your own. Lessons I have learned. Along with many more. Humiliation is a good teacher.
And every time I think I've mastered one and dodged the embarrassment of that "Oh Christ, who is this immature clown in our midst?" moment, about four more surround and ambush me.
So maybe I don't rely on my bar receipts to tell me the story of if I have enough money left in my account to fill up my car with gas anymore, but I wish I could say those days were further back in the rear view then they actually are.
I guess, at my age, I am an adult. I'm certainly not a teenager anymore. But it's about time since I'm closer to 30 than my teen years. I want to be treated like an adult by society. I want to reap the benefits that come with being able to handle the responsibilties of being a contributing member of society... if there are any. I want to look at my bank account and not instantly think "Okay, I get paid in ___ days, Marie Calendar $1 meals, welcome to my kitchen. I want to someday muster the courage and funds to purchase a home.
I'm clawing and crawling my way slooooowly in that general direction. I'm trying to be an adult. I've even mastered business casual, even though I sometimes try to push the casual as far as it will go. Like today.
I rarely ever go buy new underwear to avoid doing laundry anymore.
But note that was 'rarely' and not 'never,' so while I may be an adult, no, I'm not grown up.
Showing posts with label i have no idea what to do when I grow up. Show all posts
Showing posts with label i have no idea what to do when I grow up. Show all posts
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
i guess i'm home.
When I moved back to Indianapolis, I knew in my heart it was totally temporary.
I never planned to stay. I didn't bother establishing a routine, try to make more friends than I already had scattered around the city, learn any new ways to get around, find any cool spots to hang out, or get involved with anything bigger than my 9-5, getting drunk with my girlfriends, and hanging out with my family.
I was essentially one step away from vacation mode, a stranger, a passerby.
And that was fine, because I never had any intention of staying, I had no reason to establish more roots, create a network (professional or social) or get myself involved in ventures I'd just have to walk away from when I figured out where I was going, because I WAS going SOMEWHERE else, damn it.
Except that was my life for two years prior to that move to Indianapolis.
And I've been here a year and a half.
Now, this isn't a rant against being a tourist in your own town, exploring places you've never been, eating at new restaurants, or wandering some hidden suburb- those things are wonderful.
This is about just passing through a place every day without acknowledging and accepting that this pit stop is actually your home now- and that even scarier, that big move to somewhere more exciting could just not come anytime soon.
Over a year ago now, four months into my move to Indy, I wrote a very long, desperate, and heart felt letter to my best friend, essentially begging him to give us a shot. That I was finally really ready, after all those years of waiting and waiting and being patient with me and giving up, that it was basically the only thing that really made sense to me anymore. It was fucking draining and humbling to get down on paper. Then I sent it, got extremely drunk, and avoided checking my email for a few days.
What I didn't realize then was that was the moment that the tables also started to turn, I was just ignoring them and choosing to eat on the floor or in front of the tv, or throwing a blanket over some grass and calling it a picnic. Because, fuck tables.
He may have taken me with open arms, but it took months until I realized I was still living in tourist mode, but with a relationship, and it wasn't working too well.
I sat back and realized that now all those things I'd been avoiding? They were happening anyway, I just didn't realize it because I was wearing my "I'm getting the FUCK out of here ASAP" badge so proudly, and it was starting to hurt the people in the HERE and NOW.
So I forced myself to stop researching every other city that seems great in the US and abroad and started paying a little more attention to my own, which is good because I feel less like my eyes are constantly darting every which way trying to figure out where I can flee to next. I started running, finding new places and paths to run that I'd never tried before. I chewed my lips and hemmed and hawed, but finally allowed myself to move all my belongings to one central location, a home, instead of thrown carelessly about here and there in various locations. I got involved in local politics and I'm signing up for art classes at a studio near where I live.
And I'm mentoring girls for an organization I've fallen in love with. My first session is today and I'm excited and nervous and decidedly... content.
I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up or where I'll land when I figure it out, but I think maybe I was getting it wrong with my vagabond state of mind, maybe I need a bit of stability to help me figure out where I'm going. Maybe I need to be involved in a community, to really love it, to become the kind of person that another community wants to have.
So Indianapolis, I'm home, and you're stuck with me for now.
Maybe you need to be the one to tell me when my time here is up and not the other way around.
Touche.
Xo Sara
I never planned to stay. I didn't bother establishing a routine, try to make more friends than I already had scattered around the city, learn any new ways to get around, find any cool spots to hang out, or get involved with anything bigger than my 9-5, getting drunk with my girlfriends, and hanging out with my family.
I was essentially one step away from vacation mode, a stranger, a passerby.
And that was fine, because I never had any intention of staying, I had no reason to establish more roots, create a network (professional or social) or get myself involved in ventures I'd just have to walk away from when I figured out where I was going, because I WAS going SOMEWHERE else, damn it.
Except that was my life for two years prior to that move to Indianapolis.
And I've been here a year and a half.
Now, this isn't a rant against being a tourist in your own town, exploring places you've never been, eating at new restaurants, or wandering some hidden suburb- those things are wonderful.
This is about just passing through a place every day without acknowledging and accepting that this pit stop is actually your home now- and that even scarier, that big move to somewhere more exciting could just not come anytime soon.
Over a year ago now, four months into my move to Indy, I wrote a very long, desperate, and heart felt letter to my best friend, essentially begging him to give us a shot. That I was finally really ready, after all those years of waiting and waiting and being patient with me and giving up, that it was basically the only thing that really made sense to me anymore. It was fucking draining and humbling to get down on paper. Then I sent it, got extremely drunk, and avoided checking my email for a few days.
What I didn't realize then was that was the moment that the tables also started to turn, I was just ignoring them and choosing to eat on the floor or in front of the tv, or throwing a blanket over some grass and calling it a picnic. Because, fuck tables.
He may have taken me with open arms, but it took months until I realized I was still living in tourist mode, but with a relationship, and it wasn't working too well.
I sat back and realized that now all those things I'd been avoiding? They were happening anyway, I just didn't realize it because I was wearing my "I'm getting the FUCK out of here ASAP" badge so proudly, and it was starting to hurt the people in the HERE and NOW.
So I forced myself to stop researching every other city that seems great in the US and abroad and started paying a little more attention to my own, which is good because I feel less like my eyes are constantly darting every which way trying to figure out where I can flee to next. I started running, finding new places and paths to run that I'd never tried before. I chewed my lips and hemmed and hawed, but finally allowed myself to move all my belongings to one central location, a home, instead of thrown carelessly about here and there in various locations. I got involved in local politics and I'm signing up for art classes at a studio near where I live.
And I'm mentoring girls for an organization I've fallen in love with. My first session is today and I'm excited and nervous and decidedly... content.
I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up or where I'll land when I figure it out, but I think maybe I was getting it wrong with my vagabond state of mind, maybe I need a bit of stability to help me figure out where I'm going. Maybe I need to be involved in a community, to really love it, to become the kind of person that another community wants to have.
So Indianapolis, I'm home, and you're stuck with me for now.
Maybe you need to be the one to tell me when my time here is up and not the other way around.
Touche.
Xo Sara
Friday, April 15, 2011
circumstance.
You know what's a annoying as shit? People who are all "Change your life!!!"
"Be the person you want to be!"
"YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111oneoneoneoeoeneomgfuckyuou."
NO, OMG, fuck YOU.
Because life lessons are incredibly fucking easy to hand out when using other people's words and failing to take into account the circumstances in life.
Circumstances are a big damn dick in my ass.
Because they prevent a complete transformation of current life to a life that feels like riding a unicorn across a magical forest while simultaneously eating a handful of perfectly cooked bacon that actually makes you LOSE WEIGHT, from happening over night. Those circumstances, they complicate things, and make it all messy, and in all honesty, make actually seeking out change a bit more frightening.
While I've taken this new optimism, trust the universe, act like a person tripping their balls off at a Dead concert feels stance, I've come to realize something.
It's true, I've got to make the changes in order to get to the reality I want to see for myself, because not only does no one else have as much invested in my own happiness, but because no one else really has the foggiest idea what will get me there. It's a one woman shit show. I'm driving the tour bus, headlining the concert, getting rowdy in the lawn, and sneaking backstage to get baked with the band.
Which, as awesome as all of those roles sound...........work, man.
SO MUCH WORK.
One person doing all that work... takes a while. Like, more than a little while. NOT ALL AT ONCE THE WAY I LIKE THINGS BECAUSE I'M GODDAMN IMPATIENT BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A ME ME ME, NOW NOW NOW, society.
Annoying.
Which is why I've made a not-so-startling realization that startled the shit outta me.
I'm never going to wake up one morning and have the perfect life and get that AHA moment.
...And also, I don't really want it.
I guess I always knew that happiness is more than just not hating your job and making enough money and being loved and being healthy and shit. Which whatever, I mean it would make happiness more attainable to a lot more people there was a destination or something.
But shit, this whole being a more content person thing, it requires that you take a different attitude about what you've got to work with NOW. Instead of taking a mental shit all over the circumstances that you feel are holding everything up, sometimes you've got to just think to yourself, "This is what I have to work with right now, I've got to do what I can RIGHT NOW and make sure I'm not letting myself be miserable RIGHT NOW and check off the little things that lead up to the big things on my to-do list."
Which, takes a WHOLE LOT of mental will-power and strength of spirit when you realize that you will turn 25 years old this summer and, wait for it, will be living with your parents again when that quarter-life crisis date rolls around.
Hopefully, for the last time. Here's the thing. I'm okay with this, promise. I mean, I do currently reside in a badass house with my badass friends and you know, enjoy certain freedoms. Like sleeping with Manfriend regularly... and stuff. However, I'm choosing to spin this to the positive for myself. It's true. I can pay for an apartment, I make enough money. But, I'll never get out of debt this way, I can't afford it. This way, with this new plan, I will pay enormous chunks of money every month and be out of debt in (let's all hope really hard) SIX MONTHS.
And you know what would make happiness so much easier for me? Not carrying around thousands in debt. In eight months, I can pay off my car, my credit cards, everything I owe to ANYONE.
FREEDOM.
Freedom, yeah, that could definitely make me happier.
So, it's a journey. And boy oh boy, I can't wait to NOT be one of those motherfuckers on facebook who's always all "I hate my job!, Is it five o'clock yet?!?!! OMG TGIF, long week!" Because, I mean, I'd like to someday value each day and not just the ones that I can get drunk on guilt-free.
Another weekend rolls around! Cheers to rolling around! Wooohoooooo. Rave party.
Wait, shit. There was something I wanted to do.
OH YEAH,
PICS!!!!!!!!
XO Sare.
"Be the person you want to be!"
"YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111oneoneoneoeoeneomgfuckyuou."
NO, OMG, fuck YOU.
Because life lessons are incredibly fucking easy to hand out when using other people's words and failing to take into account the circumstances in life.
Circumstances are a big damn dick in my ass.
Because they prevent a complete transformation of current life to a life that feels like riding a unicorn across a magical forest while simultaneously eating a handful of perfectly cooked bacon that actually makes you LOSE WEIGHT, from happening over night. Those circumstances, they complicate things, and make it all messy, and in all honesty, make actually seeking out change a bit more frightening.
While I've taken this new optimism, trust the universe, act like a person tripping their balls off at a Dead concert feels stance, I've come to realize something.
It's true, I've got to make the changes in order to get to the reality I want to see for myself, because not only does no one else have as much invested in my own happiness, but because no one else really has the foggiest idea what will get me there. It's a one woman shit show. I'm driving the tour bus, headlining the concert, getting rowdy in the lawn, and sneaking backstage to get baked with the band.
Which, as awesome as all of those roles sound...........work, man.
SO MUCH WORK.
One person doing all that work... takes a while. Like, more than a little while. NOT ALL AT ONCE THE WAY I LIKE THINGS BECAUSE I'M GODDAMN IMPATIENT BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A ME ME ME, NOW NOW NOW, society.
Annoying.
Which is why I've made a not-so-startling realization that startled the shit outta me.
I'm never going to wake up one morning and have the perfect life and get that AHA moment.
...And also, I don't really want it.
I guess I always knew that happiness is more than just not hating your job and making enough money and being loved and being healthy and shit. Which whatever, I mean it would make happiness more attainable to a lot more people there was a destination or something.
But shit, this whole being a more content person thing, it requires that you take a different attitude about what you've got to work with NOW. Instead of taking a mental shit all over the circumstances that you feel are holding everything up, sometimes you've got to just think to yourself, "This is what I have to work with right now, I've got to do what I can RIGHT NOW and make sure I'm not letting myself be miserable RIGHT NOW and check off the little things that lead up to the big things on my to-do list."
Which, takes a WHOLE LOT of mental will-power and strength of spirit when you realize that you will turn 25 years old this summer and, wait for it, will be living with your parents again when that quarter-life crisis date rolls around.
Hopefully, for the last time. Here's the thing. I'm okay with this, promise. I mean, I do currently reside in a badass house with my badass friends and you know, enjoy certain freedoms. Like sleeping with Manfriend regularly... and stuff. However, I'm choosing to spin this to the positive for myself. It's true. I can pay for an apartment, I make enough money. But, I'll never get out of debt this way, I can't afford it. This way, with this new plan, I will pay enormous chunks of money every month and be out of debt in (let's all hope really hard) SIX MONTHS.
And you know what would make happiness so much easier for me? Not carrying around thousands in debt. In eight months, I can pay off my car, my credit cards, everything I owe to ANYONE.
FREEDOM.
Freedom, yeah, that could definitely make me happier.
So, it's a journey. And boy oh boy, I can't wait to NOT be one of those motherfuckers on facebook who's always all "I hate my job!, Is it five o'clock yet?!?!! OMG TGIF, long week!" Because, I mean, I'd like to someday value each day and not just the ones that I can get drunk on guilt-free.
Another weekend rolls around! Cheers to rolling around! Wooohoooooo. Rave party.
Wait, shit. There was something I wanted to do.
OH YEAH,
PICS!!!!!!!!
 |
| monday was the first lawn-mow of the season! admire my handy-work. |
 |
| only the strong survive. barry prevails. |
 |
| meet katherine. friend/roommate/miss fix-it. we had a fire in our backyard. in a birdbath. spring brought the crazy, we're merely embracing it with open arms. |
 |
| stuff's growing in there!!! |
 |
| we have a magnolia tree... i'm smitten. |
XO Sare.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
sniffing out my 'calling,' first installment
If things around here seem to have taken a sudden divergence from color-me-hateful-of-my-life-and-this-dreadful-winter-nonsense to isweartogodi'mgoingtoimprovemylifeandbecomeadownrightCHEERFULpersonnomatterwhat, then good, because that's exactly what I have kabrewing in this little psyche of mine.
I'll elaborate.
Everyonce in a while day, I ponder at great length what my calling in life really is. I wouldn't say I get into that meaning of life bullshit, but more, what will suck least for me in the long-run?
You see, one of the things that I value most about myself is the fact that I have A TON of interests. Maybe two tons. I feel genuinely pulled, like hundreds of thumb-sized people with tiny ropes ala Gulliver's Travels pulled, to things that force me to step out of my comfort zone. I like to think that makes me adventurous, but the truth is that I get bored exceedingly fast.
YAY, ME!
So, thus far, searching for a means of livelihood that will suit me for the duration has proven elusive and frustrating.
However, based on the past year of cruel and unusualmedieval punishment cubicle dwelling from 8-5, M-F, I've concluded that traditional office jobs don't hold the answer to my occupational satisfaction.
Thus I've decided I need to compose a list of potential winner with an accompanying inventory of pluses and minuses. (That will come tomorrow)
So, out with The List:
Camp Director
Speech Writer
NGO Coordinator for International Women's Groups
Bartender
Great American Novelist
White-Water-Rafting Guide
Antique Store Owner
Interior Designer
Astronaut... bummer.
Landscape Architect
Master Gardener/Green House Owner
Museum Coordinator/Docent
Professional Traveler/Travel Journalist
Freelancer
Community Organizer
Grant Writer
Drug Dealer-- kidding! totally... kidding........
Award-Winning Actress
Labor Lawyer
Owner of a Dog Bakery
Greeting Card Designer
Food Critic
Beer Taster
B&B Owner
Snorkeling Tour Boat Captain
So, there's my list. Thingsthat at this point in the game I think I'd be extremely good at, or would be willing to learn more about in order to excel.
Sheesh, I hope I didn't leave anything out.
Xo Sara
I'll elaborate.
Every
You see, one of the things that I value most about myself is the fact that I have A TON of interests. Maybe two tons. I feel genuinely pulled, like hundreds of thumb-sized people with tiny ropes ala Gulliver's Travels pulled, to things that force me to step out of my comfort zone. I like to think that makes me adventurous, but the truth is that I get bored exceedingly fast.
YAY, ME!
So, thus far, searching for a means of livelihood that will suit me for the duration has proven elusive and frustrating.
However, based on the past year of cruel and unusual
Thus I've decided I need to compose a list of potential winner with an accompanying inventory of pluses and minuses. (That will come tomorrow)
So, out with The List:
Speech Writer
NGO Coordinator for International Women's Groups
Bartender
Great American Novelist
White-Water-Rafting Guide
Antique Store Owner
Interior Designer
Landscape Architect
Master Gardener/Green House Owner
Museum Coordinator/Docent
Professional Traveler/Travel Journalist
Freelancer
Community Organizer
Grant Writer
Award-Winning Actress
Labor Lawyer
Owner of a Dog Bakery
Greeting Card Designer
Food Critic
Beer Taster
B&B Owner
Snorkeling Tour Boat Captain
So, there's my list. Thingsthat at this point in the game I think I'd be extremely good at, or would be willing to learn more about in order to excel.
Sheesh, I hope I didn't leave anything out.
Xo Sara
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)