fickle march, fickle me

maybe i need to stop taking emo pics and actually work through my emotions. nahhhh.

The other morning on my way to work I sat through an entire red light without realizing my right turn signal was blinkblinkblinking away. I was going straight. I flipped it off as I accelerated through the light and looked around sheepishly at the other cars to see if anyone was pissed and/or making obscene gestures at me. Guess everyone was feeling pretty tame that morning because I didn't get a single side-eye. Maybe they thought it was a late April Fools joke. A cheap leftover.

 

I guess I lost myself there for a second in contemplating what a good month March was to me this year. To tell the truth, I've never really had any real affinity toward Spring. I get it, I get it. Rebirth, life, emerging on the other side of Winter. It's all well and good to see green again and to not feel like my fingers and ears are going to fall off every time I step outside, but really, I'm in it for Summer. Spring is just another thing to endure before blistering heat, minimal clothing, and the promise of campfires and sunshine and reading while partially submerged in water.

 

Spring is fickle. It changes its mind too often, threatens to give my psyche whiplash. It's soggy and tumultuous, despite the hardy daffodils and magnolias that quickly remind us of all to come and then fade until next year.They're a treat, but they're not made to last.  No wonder Picses are the way that they are, they kick off Spring. Anyone born at the start of such a finicky season is bound to brood. And yet, I'm attracted to the depth and the endless rollercoaster ride that the Picses in my life take me on. As I've mentioned probably a hundred times, I'm a summer soul through and through.  I usually have no use for finicky March. For the battle of rain and sun, warm and cold.  Why should I? I know who is going to win out, let's get on with the next.

 

I sometimes feel like my entire life is a series of waiting to get on with the next.

 

I don't know, I mean, I make as much effort as the next guy to really be present in the moment and enjoy where I am, but the fact of the matter is that I'm like a half-starved animal- I'm always reaching, stretching, grasping, struggling for more. Just a little further. Just a little tiny bit more. Just just just just.

 

 

Just slow down, Sara.

 

Let's consider real life for a moment.

 

Have I mentioned recently that I'm moving to Montana in a few short months? Yeah. That's happening. In my mind I'm so overwhelmed by the fact that I'm going to pacify this internal pull to run to the mountains that I don't even know where to start here. What can I do but wait until it's finally time?

 

I know this thinking isn't productive. It doesn't encourage lists or tying up loose ends or force me to grapple with leaving the life I've forged here. It's so confusing that I don't feel joy or sadness or anything really. Just the knowledge that I'm going, the impatience that I'm not there yet, and the dull sinking feeling that comes with knowing that there is so much to do before I depart. But I feel sort of stuck, like there's nothing I can do right in this exact moment in time, and that frustration feels raw and itchy. It's a rash I wear constantly. It's distracting and demanding. It takes so much effort and will power to keep it at bay.

 

And this is the line I dream of:

 

"Let there be rock and roll on the dashboard rado; let there be occasional hands bongoing on the dashboard. Let that white line in the middle of the far west two-lane highway come feeding into the screen..." -Jack Kerouac

 

My soul is so far away from my body and right now I feel ugently that, for once, it is crucial that my soul and body inhabit the same plane.

 

And yet March was wonderful and wild. I planted bulbs and pulled weeds and watched little green tongues poke through the soil, so hungry for sunlight. I welcomed a member of my family and watched my sister become a mother, a role she falls into so naturally that I'm once again shocked that we can at the same time be so alike and so differerent. I got accepted into school and decided on a new life path. I had serious conversations with Matt about our future, read many delightful books, saw one of my favorite bands in concert, and painted some beautiful pictures. I started running again and told my boss that I'm gone by summer's end and cheered my alma mater all the way to the final four. I celebrated the birthdays of my sister and brother and got a sun tan on my face and arms from a week straight of 80 degree days.

 

March was full, you guys.

 

Full of good.

 

It deserved to be treasured and polished for memory.

 

So why do I feel so distracted by something I can't pull out of my periphery? It's right there, but I can't catch it staring straight on.

things are pretty okay over here.

Okay Okay, I haven't been around much lately. I mean, trust me, I've been around. I just haven't been here.

 

So here's a bit of an update. I got into every school I applied to. Which sounds more impressive than saying I got into both schools I applied to. Yes, there were only two. But still. I know, you're shocked that someone who already ended two sentences with prepositions in this paragraph alone is such a hot commodity. Such are the ways of the world.

 

Anyway. Yesterday I sent my acceptance to my first choice. Although still in the 'unofficial' stages, this is a huge step for me.

 

I'm moving to the mountains, guys. I'm headed west. SHIT IS CRAZY RIGHT NOW. Mostly in my head and ALL OF THE EMOTIONS. Most of them good, even.

 

Updates on other parts of my life? I'm still not an aunt yet. My sister and I went and got pedicures last night and I was secretly willing her to go into labor the entire time. I know, I'm such a bitch. But seriously, if you'd have seen her, you'd agree it's a favor. Even if her water broke in a nail salon. Can you imagine the scene? God, I love scenes.

 

My little toenails are bright red now and ready for spring, along with the rest of me. Thankfully, the overall climate has been totally conducive to my desire to be outside as much as humanly possible. AKA anyone who doesn't have their windows down in a show of solidarity with the earth needs to chill the eff out and breath in some of this lovely spring air.

 

On Friday Matt and I went to the Black Keys show but not before we sat out on a patio and had drinks in the sun. Drinking beers outside in the sun probably falls pretty close to my all time three favorite activities. I mean really, I wore a dress and flip flops. It was pretty stellar. Now I'm trying to thinking of my three favorite activities. Oh brother. Another post for another time.

 

On Saturday we went to Indiana's LARGEST NATURAL WATERFALL. I love spectacle and things that claim to be the '-est!' of anything. That was a win. Packed a picnic and took off to the west. Turns out, it's only like an hour from where we live. Anyway, we tooled around there for a while and then came home and watched a basketball game or two since I'm apparently not immune to March Madness, and then I jaunted off for some beers with a couple of ladies I know with Irish heritage. I mean, I'm always in it for beers. Plus green is totally my favorite color.

 

On Sunday I weeded, tilled, and planted in my garden and read my book on the front porch. I've got little sproutlings coming up from last year and I'm so impressed with myself. I come from a long line to gardeners, so to not have inherited this ability to nourish plants to life would have been pretty damn depressing.

 

I'm feeling a little sun-tanned. I don't hate it.

 

 

Back to checking craigslist for apartment listings every five seconds.

 

 

 

circumstance.

You know what's a annoying as shit? People who are all "Change your life!!!"


"Be the person you want to be!"




"YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111oneoneoneoeoeneomgfuckyuou."


NO, OMG, fuck YOU.




Because life lessons are incredibly fucking easy to hand out when using other people's words and failing to take into account the circumstances in life.




Circumstances are a big damn dick in my ass.




Because they prevent a complete transformation of current life to a life that feels like riding a unicorn across a magical forest while simultaneously eating a handful of perfectly cooked bacon that actually makes you LOSE WEIGHT, from happening over night. Those circumstances, they complicate things, and make it all messy, and in all honesty, make actually seeking out change a bit more frightening.




While I've taken this new optimism, trust the universe, act like a person tripping their balls off at a Dead concert feels stance, I've come to realize something.


It's true, I've got to make the changes in order to get to the reality I want to see for myself, because not only does no one else have as much invested in my own happiness, but because no one else really has the foggiest idea what will get me there. It's a one woman shit show. I'm driving the tour bus, headlining the concert, getting rowdy in the lawn, and sneaking backstage to get baked with the band.


Which, as awesome as all of those roles sound...........work, man.


SO MUCH WORK.


One person doing all that work... takes a while. Like, more than a little while. NOT ALL AT ONCE THE WAY I LIKE THINGS BECAUSE I'M GODDAMN IMPATIENT BECAUSE WE LIVE IN A ME ME ME, NOW NOW NOW, society. 


Annoying.






Which is why I've made a not-so-startling realization that startled the shit outta me.




I'm never going to wake up one morning and have the perfect life and get that AHA moment.






...And also, I don't really want it.






I guess I always knew that happiness is more than just not hating your job and making enough  money and being loved and being healthy and shit. Which whatever, I mean it would make happiness more attainable to a lot more people there was a destination or something. 


But shit, this whole being a more content person thing, it requires that you take a different attitude about what you've got to work with NOW. Instead of taking a mental shit all over the circumstances that you feel are holding everything up, sometimes you've got to just think to yourself, "This is what I have to work with right now, I've got to do what I can RIGHT NOW and make sure I'm not letting myself be miserable RIGHT NOW and check off the little things that lead up to the big things on my to-do list."




Which, takes a WHOLE LOT of mental will-power and strength of spirit when you realize that you will turn 25 years old this summer and, wait for it, will be living with your parents again when that quarter-life crisis date rolls around.




Hopefully, for the last time. Here's the thing. I'm okay with this, promise. I mean, I do currently reside in a badass house with my badass friends and you know, enjoy certain freedoms. Like sleeping with Manfriend regularly... and stuff. However, I'm choosing to spin this to the positive for myself. It's true. I can pay for an apartment, I make enough money. But, I'll never get out of debt this way, I can't afford it. This way, with this new plan, I will pay enormous chunks of money every month and be out of debt in (let's all hope really hard) SIX MONTHS.


And you know what would make happiness so much easier for me? Not carrying around thousands in debt. In eight months, I can pay off my car, my credit cards, everything I owe to ANYONE.




FREEDOM.


Freedom, yeah, that could definitely make me happier.


So, it's a journey. And boy oh boy, I can't wait to NOT be one of those motherfuckers on facebook who's always all "I hate my job!, Is it five o'clock yet?!?!! OMG TGIF, long week!" Because, I mean, I'd like to someday value each day and not just the ones that I can get drunk on guilt-free. 


Another weekend rolls around! Cheers to rolling around! Wooohoooooo. Rave party. 




Wait, shit. There was something I wanted to do. 






OH YEAH, 


PICS!!!!!!!!

monday was the first lawn-mow of the season! admire my handy-work. 

only the strong survive. barry prevails. 

meet katherine. friend/roommate/miss fix-it. we had a fire in our backyard. in a birdbath.  spring brought the crazy, we're merely embracing it with open arms. 

stuff's growing in there!!!

we have a magnolia tree... i'm smitten. 

XO Sare.

april showers bring impulse buying

I can totally justify to myself the purchase of these little dandies:



they're perfect, i know.




1. I found them for almost half off the original price, with free overnight shipping. It's like this website really cares about me and doesn't want me to catch my death from soggy, cold, feet. New BFFS? New BFFS.

2.  I actually discovered these gems in January, aka OVER two months ago and have restrained and bargained with myself about buying them. Thus, I've earned this simple pleasure.

3. If we continue at the current rate, this April is going to be full of rain showers. I need to arm myself accordingly. With precious boots.

4. I'm obsessed with Sperry. It's sick. I have an illness. These boots were my fix. There is no known cure.



April, you can throw all the showers you've got at me, I've got the proper footwear and I can now take on the world.


Xo Sara