Tuesday, March 1, 2011

the lies we tell ourselves.

An old, dead white dude great American novelist once wrote, "The worst lies are the lies we tell ourselves."

Whew, it's heavy.

Richard Bach goes on to say "We live in denial of what we do, even what we think. We do this because we're afraid."

Well man, thanks for pegging that whole spectrum of human emotional coping mechanae. 

It's likely old Mr. Bach was talking about love, but I think this little nug of free wisdom I found on the interwebz can really relate to all walks of life, about pretty much any facet of our existence.

After all,  I'm a 24 year old, I'm working a job I hate, I'm happy maybe 30 percent of the time and usually that's just because for about half of that, I'm under some sort of inebriant. Perhaps this man has a point.

Life isn't designed to be easy, we know that. 

BUT, you know what is?


...Rationalizing everything to yourself that you possibly can, no matter how convoluted it gets or how ridiculous it sounds to everyone else around you. After all, we've got to live in our own skin forever, who are we if we can't at least do that? Self-loathers, I guess, but even they've got their rationalizing thought stream... the world is out to get them no matter what, right?

From the little disappointments to the things that would just as well crush us if we didn't find a way, at least in our own narrow hallway of conscious reality, we have to find a way to make it okay for, at the very least, ourselves. Sure, wallowing in the dark is easy, sometimes easier than anything else, but sooner or later, usually sooner for me and my over-achieving bladder, you're going to have to pee and want to switch on a light, however dull, to make it to the loo without stubbing your toe.

Blah blah blah, let's apply this to real life, shall we?

Let's see.... remember when I took the GRE over a month ago? Well, I got my score. And I was semi-put-off by it, because I feel like I'm smarter than what I got.

Regardless. I took that step, that mini-leap, and didn't like what happened so I just kind of... dropped off with the whole grad school effort. I somehow explained to myself that it would be better if I waited until next fall to apply, and wait a whole year longer until I go to grad school... so that I can..... get this..... make my application look better, get things in order, really wow the admission hacks.


In other words, I've convinced myself that I'm ok living in limbo and being miserable for another year instead of at least trying and learning from my experience to better my life and my mental attitude. And actually take that chance to be told NO, or, to actually succeed and start liking my life and feeling like I'm back on track for where I'm trying to go.

It's fucked up, people.

And I'm kind of mad at myself, because the more I really examine what I do in my daily life at this point, the more bullshit I have to call on myself.

Because not only have I let myself get physically lazy,  but I've let myself get embarrassingly lazy in my convictions and opinions as well.

And I'm starting to hate it.

Just like I hate seeing one of my best friends buy a pile of horse shit from her dead-beat boyfriend, on whose phone she found very incriminating text messages on FROM THE NIGHT OF HER BIRTHDAY... when he had 'other plans.'

Maybe she'll make herself believe those lies because right now hearing his stories and having him treat her well for a couple of weeks will feel better than being alone for the time it takes to get over him, and I can fully understand that. Maybe we decide what crushing blows we're going to let ourselves take... and when we're ready for them.

But I know for a fact she never would have been perusing his texts if she didn't think she was going to find something, because she's not that kind of girl.

What can I say? I'm just as bad at any number of things, I'm just as guilty at taking the road that looks more appealing, or rather less like it could maim and kill me emotionally or physically if I somehow manage to screw up my route. But that also does a great job of keeping me standing in one place, unmoving, unable to just. make. myself. do. something.  

So fuck it, I need to stop hanging out in a waiting rooms of life, even if the waiting rooms are sometimes disguised as two more hours of sleep in a warm Manfriend-filled bed, a handle of Jim Beam and a couple of laughs on a Thursday night, or even a test score that I don't feel is up to my full potential. Because I could wait forever that way, not unhappy with those situations necessarily, just not happy with my life as a whole, either.

I realize a large part of life is picking your battles and knowing when to lay low and when to go for things, but I'm done waiting. I'm tired of lying to myself out of necessity, just so I can live with myself. I'm tired of looking back at the times I felt like a force, like something internal was driving me along without me really having to work for it- in the past tense.

It could be now? Couldn't it? NOW works for me.

There's only one way to get from point A to point B, you've got to make your body move.  

I'm off to move mountains. XO Sara.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck, I still need to take the gmat. It's going on year 2 that I've been saying that.