Thursday, March 3, 2011

i'm ACTUALLY invincible, thanks for asking.

I've been thinking about invincibility lately.

And yes, I basically just made that word up. What can I say? It's my blog and I'll take certain liberties if I so choose.

Anyway, I can be rather.... arrogant... about my actions and the consequences that will come with them at times. AKA I fully submit to the idea that there usually won't  be (m)any consequences, at least for me, and I can pretty much get away with/ live through anything I set my mind to.


Mostly because IT'S TRUE.

And until I'm proven wrong, I'm going to keep on believing that I'm invincible.

I've put myself into, and thoroughly enjoyed, numerous situations that others may refer to as "downright reckless" or "wicked stupid." Whatever. Now that Manfriend is in my life, I've toned down my exploits significantly because he is a worrier. When I say worrier, I really mean it, too. And trust me, there's a difference between untrusting-stalker-boyfriends and crippled-with-concern boyfriends, and Manfriend is the latter. Which, it is somewhat heartwarming to know that someone worries that you will get home safely and rest your little head on your little pillow and peacefully drift off into a slumber filled with dreams of rainbows and unicorns and other peaceful and happy landscapes............

BUT sometimes it fucking drives me up the wall and it's actually responsible for at least 85% of all the fights that Manfriend and I have had since we began our glorious union-of-hearts.

This stems from the simple facts that:

1. I am an asshole .
2. I'm independent to a fault.
3. Girls just wanna have fun.

Anyway, this is sort of an ongoing battle between the two of us because my desire to do whatever I get my kicks out of at all costs is just as engrained into my person as Manfriend's hatred for swimming, an activity that I personally find extremely important, being that I grew up on a lake and would probably have developed gills and webbed feet by now if evolution wasn't so god-damned slow.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of situations that I avoid and that make me incredibly uncomfortable, ehhh hem, but for some reason, I seem to lack a basic fear of certain situations.

For instance, it's no secret that I spent my undergrad at this great university. I'm not proud, nor embarrassed, to say that during the time I spent at this school, it was a semi-frequent occurrence for me to find myself walking and/or skipping alone at four in the morning from various sketchy places around campus in various states of sobriety. It's just what I did. I never really thought to myself "Geez, Sara, there are bad guys that lurk at four am, maybe you should just hold tight until the sun peaks over the horizon and everything will be hunky-dory and able to provide you safe passage again. Because you know what? Fuck that. I get where I'm going, I get what I need. No one was ever creepy or weird to me, I often exchanged pleasantries with shady characters, I stepped lightly, I'd make a phone call. I never really felt that I was in harm's way.

Don't get me wrong, I know terrible things happen to very smart girls all the time, and perhaps my mentality is totally dangerous. But maybe I'm also right. I don't think I'm an idiot, but if believing I'm going to make it from point A to point B completely unscathed no matter what makes me one, then fine, I'd rather be that than scared all the time. Plus I honestly think that I'd be so downright offended if anyone tried to pull any shit with me that they'd probably end up seriously injured or terrified to the point of wondering if it was I that actually initiated the encounter.

I understand where Manfriend is coming from when he's worried about me getting home after I've been drinking with my girlfriends, but to a point I can't help but be exasperated by it too. I'm an adult, and I don't go out and get trashed that often compared to where I was before we started dating. I don't drive drunk, I'm not ambling along aimlessly, inviting harm into my path, but I'm also going to get where I need to go however I alone decide to do so, and there's really nothing anyone else can do about it.

I'm aware that not everyone, or really, not very many people in general share my philosophy on life and personal safety, and that's fine. I'll live. But this way works for me. And until it stops working for me, specifically, I'm going to continue to act like a wild and free, albeit incredibly faithful, spirit. Because as much as I lurve and appreciate Manfriend and the ulcer he's probably developing, he wouldn't, couldn't  love me the way he does if I wasn't exactly the way that I am.

I truly believe I'm invincible.

And I HATE HATE HATE being made to feel like a child, or at the very least like I haven't found a way to make life work for me for 24 years of trial and tribulation. I hate being made to feel selfish for an attitude that I've been perfecting for years. This is what works for me, and I can't, would never even dream of, changing it.

I like feeling fearless, unstoppable, who doesn't?? Don't try to bring me down from that with your reason and concern, because for all my wild and zany, I'm actually quite intelligent, and I can weigh risks (haphazardly) in my head just fine before I make a decision and act on it.

I need things to be this way, it's the only way I know how to be. And I'm not alone, I know and relish in that much.  

In high school my friends and I would drive around, just looking for a rush. That burst of fear and energy and release that only comes with doing something you know you probably shouldn't. What else could we do? We were restless, our town was boring, we hadn't delved into drugs or alcohol. So on the weekends we went in search of rebellion. We'd streak naked around neighborhoods, a single-file line of teenage girls, hearts in our throats, choking with silent laughter. We'd steal road signs and sneak into abandoned houses to explore and egg anything we could target at 25 mph. There were no consequences, nothing we couldn't talk our way out of, no rules that couldn't be smashed to smithereens if we willed it so. We were invincible.

And I won't let that go.

Now go out and stir things up.

XO Sara

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