Thursday, April 7, 2011

a rant for thursday.

Le Sigh.

It's times like this when I wish Manfriend didn't read what I write here, because I really need to sort out some feelings and stuff. Thanks for the support honey, skip this one? See you tonight!

Anyway, yesterday was a day. I went to the dentist. Yes, it was terrifying. Yes, I survived. No, I didn't have any actual dental work done, because my appointment time wasn't long enough. Yes, the bill estimate is more than I'd like to pay, but I'll suck it up and pay it because it's work that I need done, and I've been putting it off for too long.

Yesterday was one of those afternoons that taste like chocalate after you've given it up for lent and have watched everyone around you enjoy it for the past forty days; magnificent. I left work at two and headed to the dentist with the windows down, it was warm and sunny. I love driving by myself in weather like yesterday. I feel light, I crank the volume on some shitty 90s music on the radio, and I just enjoy the day. By the grace of some power higher than myself I was done at the dentist by three. I didn't have to be at dinner with my family for the brother's 18th birthday until 5:30. I never thought I'd relish the idea of spending time by myself, doing whatever I wanted for two and a half hours so much, but two and a half hour spans like that just don't seem to happen for me much anymore, so I did.


You know why? Because I don't have to fucking worry about pleasing anyone else other than ME. I can give into whims and drive out of my way just to go the scenic route if I choose. I can decide AT TARGET that I need to organize and file all the bullshit paper floating around in my life and buy file folders and binders and Rubbermaid boxes. I can map out plans for an inspiration binder, because it's what I want and no one is around to deter or make fun of me for it. I can plan an evening by myself after dinner and be antsy to get home and get down to it. Starting a project, making a huge mess and filing it all back together, like a game of 52 card pick-up.

Yes, I had a lovely two and a half hours of solitude, reflection, and listening to my inner voice.

I was in a terrific mood when I pulled into the restaurant. Manfriend pulled in not too long after I did and we moseyed inside to order a drink while we waited for the rest of my family to arrive. There were nine of us total, and it was a lovely and delicious dinner with a great vibe. I had a lemon-drop martini, I made wildly hilarious self-depreciating jokes, I bestowed a gift AND some cash upon my brother, I ate steak and held Manfriend's hand under the table.


I indicate to the table that I'm planning on heading downtown to, you know, WHERE I LIVE, after the conclusion of the meal. And my mother looks at me as if I've just kicked a puppy. A really, really cute puppy. Because if I go downtown, and not to my parents house, which will add over an HOUR of extra driving time to my night, then I will not get to see my now EIGHTEEN year old brother OPEN HIS GIFTS and EAT CAKE.

Andddddddd....cue my mood plummeting for the rest of the night.

I love my family, they're the best. But you know what else? I see them all. the. time. More than twice a week. I'm no stranger, so I get to call bullshit on my mother for this one. As it turns out, my brother and his girlfriend LEAVE DINNER EARLY, so my brother can go give up uplifting speech at church or something and they will "probably beat us to the house," so it "won't even be that long of a delay," for me to completely uproot my plans for the evening to go to my parents house in the BFE to partake in the rest of the birthday hoopla. So, you'll imagine perhaps how frustrating it was when they still hadn't showed up at the house almost TWO HOURS later.

Because in that time, I had locked my keys in my car, driven 25 minutes from the restaurant to my parents house after getting car unlocked, unsuccessfully gone for a run that ended in a fucking asthma attack ten minutes in, and dicked around my parents house impatiently for 40 minutes. Waiting for the guest of honor to open his birthday presents.

All I wanted to do was go home and start organizing my life.

It was like tunnel vision. As soon as that plan was thwarted, my mood would not come back. DONZO.

So, when I FINALLY get to leave, it's nine thirty and I am officially inconsolable. I have an interview in the morning and I NEED to get to bed at a decent hour and review material. There is now absolutely NO POINT in trying to start ANYTHING tonight, and thus, no reason for me to drive all the way downtown, because I have already shifted my organizational extravaganza plans to TONIGHT and heaven forbid I spend two nights in a row away from Manfriend.

Granted, I love the man, I love spending time together, and I love sleeping together. We get along like peas and carrots. Truly kindred and all that heartwamring shit. But often I feel our OODLES of time together are spent at the expense of what I also want and need to do. For the sake of my own happiness. And sanity.

So, I decide, while I'm driving, to just go to Manfriend's and leave my now seemingly VERY lofty goals for tomorrow...aka tonight. I'm on the phone with Manfriend, he's driving right behind me. I'm SO FRUSTRATED with the turn of the evening and he's just not getting it. In fact, he's kind of being an asshole about it, and not understanding at all. Which is fine, I DO NOT need to be caudled, but dude, don't be a dick about it.

So then I'm heading FAST to a place called 'Complete Neurotisism.' And it's a one-way ticket. 

There is no going back once I start thinking about everything that I can't control, or made me put what I actually want on the back-burner, and bums me out about life. And since Manfriend is the one I'm on the phone with, I'm fixating on him. 

We're literally two minutes from his house and he's insistently asking "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Over and over again. And not in a kind and reassuring way. In a I'm-at-my-wits-end-with-you-right-now-so-I'm-going-into-total-dick-mode way.

And that's exactly what happened leading up to the revelations below.

What do I want? I want to not being living between two places out of my car. AGAIN.  What else? I want to fucking have a shower in my life that doesn't either have SHITTY water pressure, or completely fail to drain. What else? I want to not be so allergic to the place that I sleep at night that I wake up at bare minumum three times during the night to hit my inhalor and in the morning my eyes are swollen and bloodshot. I'd also like to NOT being spending what I SHOULD be saving in gas money driving back and forth back and forth. (He can't stay at my house because he has a work truck with a GPS in it that shows if he deviates from his route.  It would be an extra hour commute time with the dog for him to stay at my house.Plus, his dog is not allowed at my house anymore.)  I'd like to spend time with my friends that I don't feel guilty about. I'd like to not worry about him 'worrying' about me when I'm with my friends, because in the end I'll ALWAYS do whatever I fucking feel like doing, and I'd actually like some credit for making good decsions for myself. I'd LOVE if Manfriend would CLEAN ANYTHING without me saying something first.


I started a little experiment a few weeks ago; I stopped constantly cleaning everything in sight at Manfriend's. The result? Disgusting. I'm done with that. I"m done being in a place that makes my skin crawl. I refuse to be the person that has to constantly follow him around the house, pointing out chores that need to be done, and I also REFUSE to do them all on my own. I can't always be the one reminding him thirty times to do common sense things like spaying his dog and changing his headlight.

This man loves me more than anything in life and I'm crazy about him too. He cooks me dinner, he puts up with my crazy, he waited for me to see what was right on front of me for SIX YEARS until I finally gave him a fair try. He'd walk through fire for me without expecting anything in return. But, I'm not happy. I'm miserable and stuck. I may not be perfect, or a grown-up; I'm terrible with money, I procrastinate at times. BUT I'M TRYING. I read my mail. I pay my bills on time. I live off of a budget. I take care of problems that require immediate attention. I go to the doctor when I need to. I've been doing this for seven years now, I have a basic grasp on living my life independently.

He just doesn't see squalor. Or filth. Or apparently piles of laundry. I've been MORE THAN up front with him about how deathly allergic I am to the dog, and nothing has improved. NOTHING. I don't know what to do. One swipe of the vacuum over carpet every three months doesn't do it, and I guess that's more than he was already vacuuming.

I'm done being nit-picky and pointing out little things that drive me nuts. It's one big thing. It's a lazy thing. And a respect thing. And MOSTLY, a ME thing.

It's unbelieveably tough for me to do this, but I won't be staying at his house I any weeknights anymore. I can't. I'm not a crazy neat-freak, but I have standards, and they're not even coming close to being met. We currently spend most nights together. It will be tough, I love him and I love rolling over and cuddling into him in the middle of the night.. But, it will also be easy, because I love breathing and not having an allergy rash every day of my life. The thing is, I partially feel like I've been forced into this. I've been forced into a drastic measure to either wake him up, or push him away. I honestly have no idea which one it is, and I'm scared. Which is why I haven't put my foot down and done it sooner.

I love this man, but I'm terrified of what the future holds for us, because I can't even imagine moving in together at this point. I can't even imagine it. It will not get better just because it's a new place. It will not. I have serious health issues, and I HAVE to take care of myself. It's non-negotiable.

I'll be back to the slap-stick and ridiculous tomorrow, but today, I need this. Oh, and now I'm off to my interview and I've done nothing to prepare because I was totally focused on getting this out of my body. Soooo, wish me luck! (I'll need it)

Xo Sara

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