My ineptitude knows no bounds!
Whew, ok here it goes. All jokes aside, I feel really good today. In fact, I've been feeling better and better (for the most part) since I started this little project aka my blerg, which actually means a lot to me because I was having some dark-ass times before I launched it. Granted, I often use my little corner 'o the internet to vent my anger and aggression with the Universe and it usually produces some sort of self-depreciating drivel. The way I look at it, at least I'm writing, it's something I enjoy and I think it's a relatively healthy hobby.
Also, it's no secret that this winter was a real cocksucker. Excuse my French. It was often that I lost sight of the little joys I DO have in my life and instead fixated on all the things I felt were out of control. I forgot how to take bites out of projects and problems and so I either tried to swallow them whole or completely turned my back on them. I've been the biggest Debbie Downer I've ever been, which I know has been frustrating for more than a couple of the people closest to me.
A little over a month ago now, I more or less figuratively slapped myself in the face and in true Sara form, and fucking forced myself into forward progress. I just needed to get moving again. It started out literal, with getting my ass out the door and on the running trails again, and it's becoming an entire personal well-being MOVEMENT. And it's working. Even if no one else can tell except for me, I can tell that I'm standing up straighter and singing along to the radio, becoming an actual ACTIVE player in my own life again. It feels good, and honestly, I don't mind if no one else is patting me on the back and awarding me gold-stars for getting out of bed without hitting the snooze six times, thus thwarting a chain reaction that would and HAS involved a mad-dash for the door only half- put-together, followed closely by feeling bad about the way I look at work all day, turning into fixating on how much a hate my job... I should be doing that on my own, for my own peace of mind. The only person I really care about making changes and being better person for right now is ME.
I guess that probably makes me sound inbelieveably selfish. I've got a hoard of friends that I'd take a bullet for, (hopefully in the arm or something and not a belly shot) I've got a loving and devoted Manfriend, and a crazy-albeit-fiercely-loyal and uplifting family that really knows me. I should be trying to better myself so that I can be better for them. But this is an outlet for truth, and in complete truth, I'm worthless to them unless I'm my best possible self, and my best possible self if going to require a smidgen of selfishness and self-indulgence to perfect. Maybe there's some truth to the trickle-down effect, it's easier to be the person I need to be for the people I love when I'm right with me. So, I need to take a time-out and please myself. Ew, not like that. You know, emotionally and stuff.
Don't worry, I'm not going to get all EAT, PRAY, LOVE on you, because E. Gilbert can suck a fat one and during the movie I fell asleep before she got out of India. Move aside, RICH BITCH. As much as I'd love to take a lengthy chunk of time and throw caution to the wind and spend oodles of money galavanting the world, taking in culture, and 'finding myself," I honestly think I'll do better with figuring out what I want and what makes ME happy within the framework of my already very lively and promising life. I don't want to walk away from my problems and greivances with life, that's not how I do things. I meet confrontation, even if it terrifies me, because problems don't go away, they grow and multiply while you're waiting to figure yourself out and grow as a person so you can learn how best to deal with them. I'd rather grow and learn from dealing with those worries that cause me lost sleep and bloody-from-knawing cuticles. I admire Ms. Gilbert and the fact that she took a time-out for herself (a very extended and expensive one) and learned how to just be her, and maybe that journey was what she needed to do to make peace with herself. I want to just be me too, but being me involves dealing with my personal sludge in a different way, right at the source where I can't put it off and pretend it's going to go away. It never does.
I've always been a hands-on learner anyhow.
I've been getting messages from the universe lately, or maybe I'm just paying attention again, and all signs point to "FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT." Radical idea. I feel like so much of my actions and energy go toward expectations from outside sources and not from my own expectations and gut instincts and and that little voice that tells me, "God Sara, you should really learn more about that, it sounds super fly and I bet you'd kick ass at it."
Of course, figuring out what you want is only the first step, and after that comes plans and actions and DEMANDING it. But, that will come later. Right now, I'm still at the very preliminary stages, the starting line. Right now the only task I'm trying to accomplish is listening to my inner voices, letting myself hear what my soul truly has to say. Sometimes that means joining groups, reading self-help books, marathon chat sessions with my friends, watching the sun come up and steam rise over water on a dawn run, or just scream-singing in the car by myself, but it's all important. Especially the remembering to take time to myself. Just me. I mean, I have to live in my body, I may as well really get to know and like myself.
How did I manage to get to almost 25 and still feel like there is so much I still have to learn about myself? Other than the constant change thing, it may be the ability to become a chameleon and just fit wherever I need to thing. But that's okay, it's all part of the mix, and it's all part of the journey.
It has gotten to the point that I've shut my inner monologue down to the series of acknowledgable neurotisms and reactions. REACTIONS? I should be the one creating reactions. If responding to what's happening around me and to me is all I've got going on, then I'm not doing enough.
I feel hopeful. I've got some ideas brewing in my mind and I'm starting to do something I've haven't in a looooong time, building a time frame on things, starting a plan that will unleash more changes, more pride, more happiness.
I'm taking bites again.
I'm drinking the kool-aid. I like the taste; I'm chugging the entire pitcher.
It's going to be a great weekend, because it's a beautiful life.
XO Sara
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