Thursday, April 14, 2011

sorry, i'm vague.

I feel all queasy and throat-clenched and just sort of like a total ball of anxiety today. I could really do without it.

You see, last night I had a dream that I'm not quite sure how my subconscious could have possibly stewed up.

It's slipping through my fingers, dimming to me as I type this. I'm losing details of it. Parts took place in a lecture hall, but I've forgotten, lost who was lecturing and what about, already. I know there was partying in part of it and an actual infant in others. It made so much sense when I was having it, but now I can't manage to piece it together.

What I haven't forgotten about the dream is the cast. A motley group of people that would only ever fit together in a dream that I personally would have. They have no other connecting links.

The thing is, it wasn't necessarily a bad dream, just a terribly vivid one. Uncomfortable, the people in largely made up of individuals I've fallen out of touch with, or had to push out completely for my own survival. The toxics.

Even in my dream, I felt a sense of dread seeing these people, but like moth to light, I couldn't pull away from them. I always felt that way about them in real-life too. Pulled.

When taking a stroll down memory lane, it's often easier for me to recall the good times I've spent with people that are no longer in my life, to see the good before the bad. Even the most harmful relationships in my life are peppered with confusion because I ALWAYS seem to look back fondly.

I was mid-dream when my alarm went off this morning. Isn't that a strange feeling, those moments between awake and asleep when you're a little disoriented and confused about reality? I was torn between hitting the snooze to keep it going and jumping out of bed and forcing it gone. I got out of bed. I've reminisced and 'what if?"-ed enough.

So now I'm thinking about a team of absent players, characters from past versions of myself. Naturally, I've been pondering and mentally revisiting the place I was in my life when they were THE PERSON MOST IMPORTANT. Which they were, they all were the MOST important person to me at one point or another, the person I told my secrets, the person for who I'd always pick up with phone.

Mostly, I feel pretty damn good about where I am now, the people I've clung to, kept around. Fortified as my safety net.  But I also kind of miss them. A little.

I'm hoping for a Thursday night void of dreams.

XO Sara

1 comment:

  1. HOLY CRAP, I HAD A TERRIBLY VIVID FREAKISH SCARE-THE-CRAP-OUT-OF-ME DREAM ON SUNDAY NIGHT! I was pregnant (ahhh) with the auditor for our company's baby. It was traumatizing.

    That aside, I always feel like an ass when I lose touch with people that I used to be close with. I find that either when you get back in touch with these people they either pick right back up where everything left off, or they have changed (for the worst)/hold a grudge. If their grudge holders I tend to let them go althogether, bc yeah, I should have been in touch more, but that's a two way street.

    But yeah, not to be all "womp womp," the best old friends are the ones where it seems like time hasn't past. Hopefully yours are like that.